A night at Oscar Pistorius’ place is way more exciting than a night at the Oscars 2013 Awards

So you knew the Zadge was going to have to do an Oscars recap.  But she can’t really comment on the movies because she never goes to the movies and hasn’t seen any of them.

Well, that’s not exactly true.  The Zadge just spent the snowy Denver weekend on her couch watching “Flight” (her fake boyfriend Denzel, even with his beer belly, was awesome) and then “Argo” (which the Zadge thought was total Snoozo, in contrast to popular opinion).

So that means the Zadge can only comment on the clothes.  Because she’s so not superficial and materialistic at all.  But a couple of pressing questions before we begin.

First, who sent out the memo to all the actresses to wear a metal colored beaded straight dress, I’m talking to you Halle, Nic, Naomi, Sandra, Clooney’s chick.  Glad to see my fake BFF Jen Aniston bucking the trend with a hot red number.

Second, why is Donnie Osmond hosting the show?

Third, who sent the memo to all the men to sport full beards, I’m talking to The Cloon and Big Chin Affleck and Paul Rudd and Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper and the French guy who won last year?  Do they all know that “Lincoln” is going to win so they are trying to pretend that they are Abe?

Fourth, do you think if Charlize and Channing Tatum were on Dancing with the Stars anyone could beat them?

Fifth, ….  oh sorry, the Zadge nodded off because this show is SO DAMN BORING!  They really need to start doing the Golden Globes thing and give everyone booze.

Okay, on to the real reason anyone watches this boring-ass show.

The dresses.  Overall, the Zadge was underwhelmed by all of it.  No real stand outs or real  Bjork-like bombs.  Where is Cher when you need her?

But there were some that the Zadge loved.

Octavia Spencer – STUNNING.

This little cutie and her adorable purse:

Kerri Washington – might be the Zadge’s favorite of the night 

Charlize – per usual, stunning.  And note to Miley Cyrus - this is how you pull off short hair:

And you all know that Anne Hathaway drives the Zadge nuts, but the Zadge has to give her annoying ass props – that pale pink Prada dress was very pretty and the back was gorgeous:

Yes, the Zadge seems to be in the minority loving this dress, with the boob darts and all, but the Zadge likes to be a rebel.  Although the Zadge thinks Anne is trying a little too hard to pull off the Gwyneth Paltrow ingenue-Oh-Gee-Whiz-I-Won-My-First-Oscar look with that pink dress.  And girl needs to grow out her hair.  ASAP.  Doesn’t do her horse features any justice.

Yes, Snark is the Zadge’s middle name.

There were a couple of dresses that the Zadge was on the fence about – couldn’t be sure if they were hits if you saw them live on the red carpet or just a hot mess.  Like Amy Adams in this feathery thing:

The Zadge thinks the color was too pale and too many birds were killed in the making.  But she could be wrong.

Jennifer Lawrence’s dress is getting all the early thumbs up, but the Zadge thinks the pale pink damask fabric would look better as Master Bedroom curtains:

And the Zadge is not sure what to make of Jennifer Garner’s dress.  She loves the color, kind of loves the simple front contrasting with the elaborate back, but can’t quite decide:

Maybe it’s because Jen’s date annoys the shit out of the Zadge.

You had no idea how many people annoy the Zadge, did you?

But onto the Zadge’s picks for the dresses that missed the mark!

Look, Halle is a stunning woman, but this dress?  Not so much.  Did they give her a prison jumpsuit during that whole Oliver Martinez beat-down thing with her baby’s daddy?

Jessica Chastain is starting to annoy the Zadge too.  And the color on this dress was just not right at all with her pale-ass:

Melissa McCarthy doesn’t annoy the Zadge at all – she LOVES her.  But this gray jersey looking number, not so much:

Did not dig Nic’s dress but did dig her date:

Catherine Zeta-Jones looked too much like Oscar himself:

Also falling into the “Really Annoys the Shit out of the Zadge” category, Kristen Stewart once again looked like a grumpy teenager with some bad posture:

Finally, a couple of comments completely unrelated to the dresses:

• Damn, that girl Jennifer Hudson can belt out a tune.
• Why can’t the Zadge be married to Hugh Jackman?
• When did Russell Crowe go from macho hot Gladiator guy to bloated William Shatner?
• The Zadge needs to party down with Adele.  She does.
• John Travolta is a freak with a bad wig and a girl’s voice.
• Did Nic get a boob job?
• Babs Streisand and her nails take the stage. They can still belt out a song.
• How does Renee Zellwegger see out of those squinty eyes?  Is she stoned? And what’s with the puffer-fish face?
• OMG, when will this END? Interminable dullness.
• Imagine Tarentino if he did some coke – Whoa!!!
• Jane Fonda is a dramatic hoot with very good posture in that crazy yellow Dallas-era dress.
• OMG she fell up the stairs!
• The Zadge needs to party down with Meryl.  She does.
• SHOCKER – DDLewis wins Best Actor.  Hugh Jackman would have won in any other year.  But DDL gives best acceptance speech of the night.
• God, this is so long and boring.  The Zadge knows Lincoln will win best film so she is signing off now!
• Holy Shit, Snoozo Argo wins!  The Zadge just doesn’t understand.  And yet another bearded dude, next to bearded Cloon and bearded Affleck.  Now it really is time for bed.