The Zadge has opened a criminal investigation at Old Vicky.
When she came home from the gym today, she found that her house had been overtaken by marauding hooligans. They had hit both the downstairs and the upstairs.
Let’s look at the evidence recovered from the downstairs, aka “Crime Scene Number One,” strewn all over the living and dining rooms:
That was a brand new bottle of the Zadge’s Zyrtec allergy medicine she had just bought at Target. It was safely on the very back of the kitchen counter when she left for the gym. It was also hermetically sealed and child-proofed such that the Zadge would have needed a sharp knife to get it open.
If you look closely, you will see the Zadge was able to collect 26 pills from all over the floor. Note that the bottle originally contained 30 pills.
Now, there is also a “Crime Scene Number Two” but the Zadge didn’t take a photo of it before throwing it in the washing machine. It being a urine-soaked white linen duvet cover and duvet itself from her very own bed. And yes, the Zadge is getting older, but she’s not sporting the Depends just yet so don’t try to blame this one on her.
After collecting all the available evidence and interviewing all the eyewitnesses, the Zadge’s investigation pointed to three possible suspects responsible for these shenanigans:
Yes, Griswald is in ‘da house again, while Ross From Friends spends yet another weekend skiing. And let’s just say that Griz can make Harry look well-behaved at times.
So, as to Crime Scene Number One, the Zadge thinks we can all agree that Bugs could be crossed off as a suspect. The smallest and best behaved of the bunch, who has never shown any interest in counter-surfing.
That left Harry and Griz. Griz has spent a lot of time in Old Vicky and the Zadge has never, ever seen him show any interest in counter-surfing. It is, after all, a lot more effort to haul that huge body up on two back legs. Harry, in contrast, is a notorious, incorrigible, completely unabashed, seasoned counter-surfing veteran.
Verdict: Harry is the guilty perpetrator of Crime Scene Number One.
And yes, the Zadge was worried about the 4 missing pills and immediately hit the internet to find out what kind of damage it could do to
Mr. Royal Pain in the Ass Harry. Nothing, other than possibly making him sleepy. Oh, god, please make him sleepy!
The Zadge’s investigation continued on to Crime Scene Number Two. As much as she would like to collar Harry with two crimes, he was immediately excluded as a suspect because he’s afraid to go up the stairs and has never been in the Zadge’s bedroom as a result!
That left Griz and Bugs, both of whom slept in bed with her last night. And you wonder why she is still single.
Now the Zadge needs to inform you that this crime – the large, round urine spot on the comforter — occurred one other time. Coincidentally, that was also when Griz spent the night. When it first happened, the Zadge told Ross that his damn dog peed on her bed. Ross went on the offensive and said, “No, it had to be Bugs, jealous that Griz was there, marking his spot.”
The Zadge didn’t have enough evidence at the time to charge Griz with the crime, so she let it go.
Until today. Because you see, the Zadge realized that Griz, being a young pup, still pees like a girl. He doesn’t lift his leg to mark something, like Bugs does. AND THIS WAS A ROUND PEE MARK LIKE A GIRL DOG WOULD MAKE! So Bugs couldn’t have made it!
Of course, he couldn’t have – he’s the sweetest, best dog on the planet unlike his two unruly companions!
Verdict: Griswald is guilty of Crime Scene Number Two.
This did give the Zadge pause. Upstart Griz does give 13-year old Tulip some attitude when he’s here, so maybe she wanted to give him a piece of her
But the Zadge quickly ruled out Tulip as a suspect, as the urine stain didn’t smell remotely like that awful cat pee smell we cat owners all know too well.
So there you have it. These two hooligans are in the dog house: