I guess it could be worse – they could have been “pokes” instead of “winks”

So last night, Ross with Friends stopped by after work so that Griswald and Harry could get their ya-yas out. Bugs, the only good dog of the bunch, doesn’t have ya-yas.

So anyhoo, when Ross with Friends showed up, the Zadge had just logged on to her Match.com account to see what sort of depressing dudes had found their way into her inbox. Ross from Friends immediately jumped on her computer to check out ESPN.  And it was at that exact moment, that the delivery of the take-out Indian food arrived at the Zadge’s door.

Really, is there anything better than Saag Peneer and naan?

So the Zadge brought the food in and continued her conversation with Ross from Friends, while the hounds anxiously surround the Zadge’s feet, hoping she would drop all the food right into their mouths.

Flash forward to this morning, when the Zadge went to check her emails. Imagine her shock in seeing a bunch of emails from really old and creepy guys in her mailbox, thanking her for “her wink.”

WHAT????

Apparently, when the Zadge left the room to deal with the food delivery, Ross from Friends thought it would just be a riot to go onto the Zadge’s open Match.com page and start sending winks to the last guys on earth that the Zadge would want to date.

With friends like Ross, who needs enemies?

And guess who was one of those guys Ross/Zadge “winked” at? Remember “Tony” and his “dharma”? 

Yes, that guy.  The Zadge knows this because Dharma Tony sent the Zadge yet another inane email this morning after receiving the sham wink:

I could wink back but I’ll lob the ball to you side of the net .

Flattered but quizzical . I am outside your age and distance parameters but since you read my profile you know you are within mine.
Yes , I have viewed your profile on numerous occasions, love the photo of you with your camera in the mirror. I agree – i need pets , cats work better for me , many lessons i have failed to learn during my life but it only took one time of leaving a dog overnight by himself to teach me that one.
Smart and funny last forever , age gravity ennui can turn a six- pack to fanny pack (?)
don’t feel i am funny , witty yes , purveyor of bad puns yes
i think i have learned more from my kids than i have ever taught them and they flourish in spite of as opposed to because of my influence.
TEN THINGS I THINK ITHINK I KNOW
1. Whatever humility deficit i had , the cyber-space recycling center has humbled me. my oldest daughters do correctly assert that perhaps sending out only one e-mail every 7-10 days is ” pathetic” . if you raise your daughters to be self assured women be prepared for the results .
2 . i am grateful every day . lots of reasons
3. lying is stupid, besides much more difficult to remember two sets of facts
4 love is an action verb . one needs to say and demonstrate it .
5. i have convinced myself that my head full of trivial facts is useful . State rock of Iowa ? the geode
6music is the voice of the gods
7 compassion and empathy make the world a better place
8 rush hannity and the tea party – give me a break – although i often listen to rush on the way to the rec center – i am usually so P.O.ed that i have a good workout
9 life is a participatory sport and no points are scored from the sidelines
10 . one can never have too many magazine subscriptions

ok i’m interested .

Needless to say, the Zadge is not and did not reply, and instead, began intensely plotting her revenge on Ross.

But Dharma Tony doesn’t ever just stop with one email, now does he? Nooo, he sends the Zadge another one later in the day:

Supplemental pleading.

Something was nagging at the edge of my brain when i went to bed , a wisp some thread i could not pull up .
Woke up this morning with one cat perched on my stomach the other staring , unusual then it occurred to me that kirk was over for while last night . Which meant that his dog ate all the cat food. A sneak move to retaliate against my cats who stalk him around the house and he thinks because he is a golden and weighs 90lbs he is the king . Kit-Kat the female reminds him her true name is kali , angel of death . So i feed the cats as they give me the chorus of ” stupid human don’t do it again” cats have disdain down to an art .

turned on the computer and set the water to boil for the coffee turned on NPR and MBW (many bad words) logged on hit search in my e-mail and the wisp became memory . In the early fall i had had you on my favorites list and after languishing , there for a month i sent you an e-mail . the only way i know this is because i used my regular hotmail account . Did not want you to think i was being coy . I don’t do coy worth a f#@& . I may regret the kiddie pool comment , but when you get to heaven look up Dorothy , my mother , and chastise her for the wise -ass DNA strand .

Tagalog ? Intriguing .

I am done . reread my e-mail of last night and thought ” at best she’ll think only half an idiot ” at worst ” total drivel with a sprinkling of banality to relieve the mundane aspect of the writing”

in the interest of disclosure and if you are a google spokeo checker , why is it so freaking difficult to meet someone ? it always feels like a job interview . need more laughter in this process

Well let the Zadge tell you, Tony, why it is so freaking difficult to meet someone – BECAUSE YOU ARE A FREAKAZOID, that’s why.

Ross, of course, thinks this is all hilarious.

But he won’t think it’s so hilarious when the Zadge gets her revenge.  Which she will get, oh yes she will!  Any ideas?