Apparently they call it the Golden Globes because all of the women have their boobs on display. See Sofia Vagara and Salma Hayek. Damn, those are some bazooms. Would I still be single if I sported some of those golden globes?
Three of my fake boyfriends are in the same room together, Daniel Craig, Denzel Washington and Keith Urban. Wonder if they will come to fisticuffs over me. Probably. You know Danny Boy will win.
Daniel Day Lewis will never look like anyone but Abe Lincoln for the rest of his life. The Republicans should draft him for their next election.
Mel Gibson will never look like anyone but a drunk, racist, misogynist.
The nut job lady who heads up the Hollywood Foreign Press has an awful face lift and terrible comedic timing.
Paul Rudd needs to cut his hair.
Adele high fives Danny Boy when she wins best song and says she’s been sitting there “pissing” herself. Add “Get drunk with Adele” to bucket list.
What is with all the goatees, Kevin Costner, Ben Affleck and Hugh Jackman? And Will Farrell with the porn stash? EWWWW.
Tommy Lee Jones’ face is starting to look a lot like Keef’s. And not Keef’s in 1972.
Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a weird red dress that makes her boobs look like pointy bullets. Her “I beat Meryl” joke does not go over well. Bullet Boobs needs to learn a little humility.
Do not, do not get Anne Hathaway. Ugh. Hugh Jackman’s wife is turning her back to her while she drones on and on like she just won the Nobel Peace Prize for Ending War for All Time. The orchestra has to shut her up.
Every time I see Amanda Seyfried, I wonder whether she is being filmed with a fish-eye lens that makes her eyes appear to be on the side of her head instead of where they are supposed to be.
But thank god there have been no Gwyneth sightings, the only redeeming thing about this dull-as-shit show. I’m turning this shit off to go check my Match.com profile, that’s how boring this show is.
Wait! WAIT! Jody Foster just gave an amazing speech and came out of the closet sort of even though everyone knew she was out and everyone is crying, including me! Damn, she’s 2 years older than me – why does she look so much better? Should I become a lesbian?
And holy shit, Ben “Chinny-Chin-Chin” Affleck just beat out Spielberg and Tarantino for Best Director! Is everyone in the Hollywood Foreign Press drunk?
Why can’t I meet a guy like Jimmy Fallon?
Oh god, skanky, mother-beater Christian Bale just came out – time to switch to Downton Abbey.
Wait! Hugh Jackman wins something! Must watch a bit longer. He tells the world his wife is always right and repeatedly refers to her as “Baby” in that hot Australian accent. Forget Jimmy Fallon, I want Hugh, even with the damn goatee.
Les Miz just won for best musical and that effing Hathaway just hijacked the microphone. Shut.Her.Up. She is La Miz. That’s it – I’m turning this shit off.
Okay, I can’t tear myself away. The Cloonster strolls out and announces Jessica Chastain for Best Actress and she gives the best speech of the night. GIRL POWER! The Cloonster goes on to pronounce Abe Lincoln as Best Actor. Big surprise. Prez Lincoln mentions my fake boyfriend Danny Boy, which causes a camera shot of him with his FAKE wife. I’m really pissed now.
Downton Abbey, here I come.
Wait, WAIT! ARGO just beat out LINCOLN for best movie? Holy shit. You know Spielberg is pissed as hell.
And on that note, let’s see what’s going on with the much better soap opera over at Downton. Toodles!