Apparently, yesterday was the day for people to say odd things to the Zadge. Some flattering, some not.
For instance, the Zadge had to go to her gynocologist for some medical tests on her south-of-the-border girlie parts for an issue that she will not discuss here, lest she send her two male readers into cardiac arrest. Part of the tests involved having what the nurse referred to as an “internal ultrasound.”
Actually, at this point, the Zadge would advise Hulk and the Kaiser, the only male readers the Zadge can think of, to stop reading and go fart in the garage while you watch sports or something. Because that “internal ultrasound” involved the insertion of a long – and I mean, looong – probe up into said girlie parts. Thank god it was wearing a condom.
And then the Zadge heard the nurse say, “Oh my god, what a beautiful uterus!”
The Zadge kids you not.
The Zadge was taken aback – what IS the proper response to such a, uh, compliment?
“Um, what exactly does that mean?” the Zadge asked. ”Does it have perfect bone structure and glowy skin?”
“No, it’s just perfectly shaped and healthy looking!” the nurse crooned.
And this whole time the Zadge thought her legs were her best asset. Now she has to figure out how to show eligible men her beautiful uterus. Should she hand out copies of the ultrasound with her phone number on the back?
Then the nurse looked at her chart and said, “Wow, you are 48? I never would have thought that!” At which point, the Zadge tried to decide if the uterus-loving nurse thought the Zadge was actually older or younger than her years. The nurse says, “Oh, I would have guessed you at 38.”
Apparently, having a beautiful uterus shaves 10 years off your face.
Then, after all the tests were done (don’t worry, Moomskers, everything is fine), the Zadge headed to the first night of her new guitar class at Swallow Hill, a renowned folk and acoustic school in Denver. The Zadge signed up for an 8-week group beginner guitar class and was excited to learn something other than “Horse With No Name” and maybe meet some nice people.
So the Zadge sat down in the class, along with 17 other students. She’d heard that Swallow Hill was sort of an aging hippie place. So she looked around the class and noticed that most of the students matched that description. They also all seemed slightly nervous and ill at ease. Shy, introverted, lots of gray hair. Then the cute, 30-something teacher (Oh, hello, the Zadge thought to herself) came out and introduced himself and asked, “Who here likes 70s folk music?!”
The Zadge raised her hand.
She was the only one of the 18 students to do so. She figured everyone else was too shy and introverted (BUT NOT THE ZADGE!!!).
But before anyone could say anything, an older woman sitting near the front, 60-ish, frumpy, wearing the ubiquitous Birkenstocks, no make-up, and gray, curly, unstyled hair, pointed at the Zadge and said sarcastically, “Oh, can’t you tell by her hair, all platinum blonde and everything.”
WHAT????!!!
Before the Zadge could a) determine whether the Aged Frumpster had just insulted her, or b) decide that the Aged Frumster was just intimidated by the Zadge’s obviously beautiful uterus, or c) respond that her hair was not fucking platinum, you gray-haired shit and have you heard about the new invention called The Hair Dryer, the Zadge saw the teacher pop up and say, “Hey, pick up your guitars! By the end of the class, YOU will be playing America’s ‘Horse With No Name!’”
The Zadge hung her not-platinum head, so that it looked down at her beautiful uterus, and sighed. Then she took a deep breath, picked up her head and her guitar, gritted her teeth and started humming, “In the desert you can remember your name because there ain’t no one to give you no pain….”
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Your stunning uterus looks like a giraffey kind of Shaharizade elk. In a good way of course.
This post is as beautiful as your uterus!
Do you suppose the nurse who did the ultra-sound was coming on to you?
When you have two extremely high-risk pregnancies you get to be friends with the internal ultra-sound wand-I’ve had more of them than I would ever want to!!
“You gray-haired shit” is my new go-to slur.
I LOVE the picture of your uterus.
If it is excess bleeding , try progesterone cream….works for me…..and it is all natural for the grey haired bitchess.
Did you seriously just ask the question ” Now she has to figure out how to show eligible men her beautiful uterus.”???
Let me help…
Step 1: Eliminate any man that would dress up for and attend a Downtown Abbey” watch party
Step 2: Be in the vicinity of ANY OTHER MAN and say “Hello”…
oh you crack me up Zadge! I’m jealous of your beautiful uterus. Mine in a nasty, gumpy thing that probably sends out a bitch signal to anyone who comes near.
It’s only a shame you couldn’t follow up you gray haired shit by whipping out your beautiful uterus……….
Oh the internal ultrasound – not fun. And not the response that I had got when I had mine (both) which was more “Wow…you have strange building coming from your left ovary…”
So I guess I’d consider your beautiful uterus as a compliment!
Oh Lord. I still don’t understand with the advent of hair color why people insist on looking old. Welcome to the internal ultrasound club! It’s actually better than drinking a gallon of water, trust me.
If old hippies color their hair you won’t know they were once young hippies.
This is definitely one of my favorite posts EVER. For many reasons.
I thought maybe the nurse was hitting on you too.
And, you never have to worry about fashion judgement by anybody who wears Birkenstocks.
I wanna know what the shy hippies who don’t have deep conditioners and beautiful uteri wanted to learn? Green Day?
Not too long ago my GYN described my insides like chocolate cake; moist and velvety.
–>This made me LAUGH.
“Apparently, having a beautiful uterus shaves 10 years off your face.”
I met my new male OB/GYN a year ago and the first thing he told me was how pretty my hair was – - (on my head) and I blushed crimson.
Are you SURE it was the hair on your head?
A. I think mammograms are more uncomfortable than internal ultrasounds; and B. I had no luck in my Swallow Hill class either, but for different reasons. The students in my class were a mixture of young and old, but on the first day the instructor had us go around the room and introduce ourselves, and every goddamn person was super old, married, or there because their BF or GF had bought them the lessons or the guitar. Good grief. No one insulted me, however.
Well, Jesus wept. What an asshole that grey-haired shit was! I don’t know how you managed to take the high road with her—I would have wanted to smash the guitar over her head, like that old cartoon character….what was his name….oh yeah, ‘El Kabong’. Talk about an unprovoked attack.
Hmmm….after re-reading my comment perhaps I need to get back on those antidepressants…..
I am thinking I may remember el kabong.
I didn’t realize aging hippies were so mean-spirited. Maybe it is just the women. Should be a “fun” seven weeks.
Cute 30 something teacher – is he single? Perhaps he would like to give private lessons that do not include “Horse with No Name”……
Hate the internal thing. Hate. Hate. Hate. And my uterus has never been described as anything other than “tilted”. Which matches the rest of me, I guess.
Good news in our home. The Middle was accepted early action to UVA! Go Hoos!
I think you should bring her a box of Clairol in Platinum Blonde so she can see what it looks like. Then suggest she try it herself.
And I think your uterus looks like I Dream of Jeannie.
Also, I was wondering if you are still taking the magic green coffee pills. I could never remember to take mine but I’m willing to give them another try. Because it’s January. And everyone in the world tries to lose weight in January. Did you take them with the raspberry ketone pills?
I’m not taking the Magic Beans anymore but the minute I see that Gelatinous Muffin Top creeping back, I’ll be so all over them. I did not take them with the ketone, although the company kindly sent me some samples!
Three male readers luv!
Of course, Lucky!!! And a SUPERMAN at that!