It’s with a sad heart that the Zadge lets you know that she has to break off a very special relationship in her life.
Don’t worry, she will still be the fake-girlfriend to Keith Richards and Daniel Craig. Keef in particular, at his advanced age, probably couldn’t handle a break up.
No, the Zadge has decided that she has to end her mentor relationship with Lizzie.
Sigh.
As the Zadge has mentioned, both of Lizzie’s parents are incarcerated and she is being raised by her grandmother, along with her 12-year old sister and 13-year old brother, all in a tiny, two-bedroom place. Lizzie has to sleep on the couch. And Lizzie’s grandmother, a poorly-educated, 60-something-year old woman raised on an Indian reservation, works her ass off six days a week as a nurse’s aide trying to support the family.
You know, one of those people taking handouts that the Democrats love the Zadge says with dripping sarcasm and daggers sent to those obnoxious, old, white-man, elitist Republicans who have never felt compassion or gotten off their fat, rich asses to help anyone beneath them.
Okay, so the Zadge digresses a bit.
Anyhoo, over the past few months, Lizzie’s poor family has started spiraling out of control. Both of her siblings are struggling mightily in school, and both have been arrested, one for fighting (the sister) and one for breaking and entering (the brother). And they are fighting with each other. And disrespecting the grandmother, who barely had control of this posse of almost-feral children to begin with. And Lizzie, who turns 9 in January, has started getting mouthier and more disrespectful to the Zadge. And there’s a bunch of other stuff the Zadge can’t really blog about but it involves the Zadge calling the police and getting way too emotionally involved with this fragile family.
Over the past few months, the Zadge has found her role as a mentor to Lizzie more and more emotionally draining. She is trying her damnest to show Lizzie a different way of life, and in the process, her two siblings. Because the Zadge is a Go Big or Go Home sort of girl. She doesn’t do things halfway. When she decides to do something, whether it be exercising, or entertaining, or mentoring, she goes 110%. Which has meant throwing herself into this mentor-role and into not just Lizzie, but her whole family.
But she can’t take it anymore.
The family is falling apart. And the Zadge recognizes her own bossy, first-born, control-freak instincts to “save” Lizzie, and her sister, and her brother. But she also knows from her first-hand experience with her work in the Top Secret Day Job in D.C., that she can’t save this family. That there is a path that they are heading down, inevitably involving foster care, and youth detention, and teen pregnancy, and drugs, and nothing – NOTHING – the Zadge does will be able to stop it.
The Zadge was an idealist in her youth. Real life has sucked the idealism out of her. She is now a realist. And that realist has decided that her heart can’t continue to watch this family disintegrate in front of her helpless self.
She tried. She gave Lizzie and her family time, love, money and, she thought, hope. It’s the best she can do. Because she’s realized she can’t single-handedly save the world. So she is bringing Lizzie her Christmas presents this weekend and breaking up with her and her family.
Bah humbug.
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I’m sorry Zadge.
You absolutely did the best you could. You can’t control that family’s journey.
You are a saint to do all you’ve done for them. Don’t beat yourself up, you are a very wise woman to know when to walk away! Chin up Buttercup!
I admire you for what you did with this family and even more for knowing when to move on.
Having been in the rescue business myself with several family members, I concur with your decision wholeheartedly. You don’t need to be wrangling the entire family mess, and you are right, you will never be able to lead them down a normal path. Sigh. Sad. Let’s have virtual drinks later on?
That decision in itself had to hurt your heart.
You can’t live other’s lives nor make their decisions.
Your life is important. Be happy.
yes, a younger version of me would have said something different, but having worked as a social worker, I know that you can’t kill yourself trying to help others. Sometimes people need the tough love approach of the caretaker pulling back. They will learn to sink or swim – you did your very best teaching them. The rest is up to them.
I agree with you. It is time. And it is hard.
You just need to grieve for the dream for Lizzie’s future you had for her. Hopefully some of what you said to her and did for her will stick and make a difference. The lesson she has to learn may not be for years to come.
No regrets. You did what you could.
Oh, Zadge, I am so sorry. You tried your damndest (is that even a word?) to make a positive difference in this child’s life. And you DID make a positive difference, even if for a little while.
Sometimes the hardest thing to know is when to walk away…and when a relationship is sucking the life out of you, it’s time. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Such a sad situation. Just know that you have done the very best that you can do, and you are wise to know when to let go.
I’m sorry, Zadge. I’m sure this is very hard for you. You poured your heart into Lizzie and her family and you did your absolute best. You are wise to realize that as much as you wanted to, you can’t save them. But you did make a difference. Now take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry for your heartache! You did make a difference in Lizzie’s life. It is very hard to compartmentalize your support, and not feel as if you’re responsible for the entire family when you take on mentoring one child. I hope that there will be the opportunity for you to maintain some sort of contact and support for the child so that she doesn’t feel abandoned because of the circumstances surrounding her.
She will remember you and in her heart, she will know there is a different way. I’ve spent too many hours, days, weeks, months and years trying to rescue people that don’t really want to be rescued. At the end of the day, it’s really up to each individual to make different choices and find new ways to do things, and nothing someone else says, does, or spends will make a difference. But you know that, obviously. I’m sorry that it will be hard saying goodbye. But you did many very good things for that little girl. Hopefully she can take the experiences and make her life matter in a positive way. And you will have more time for Keef, who appreciates your kind heart, sassy haircut and bitchin’ chord strumming. xoxoxo
A tough decision, I’m sure. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
You are very smart to recognize what no longer works and very brave to end it, especially when it hurts so much to do so.
I’m sorry, sweetie.
So sorry. Life is all about the choices we make. I hope Lizzie will make wise choices in the future for herself.