While the Zadge was busy battling the imaginary Big C these past two weeks, she put her internet dating activity on hold. Because really? Imaginary bald, puking cancer patients aren’t exactly concerned with when their next date is.
BUT NOW THE ZADGE IS BACK!!!
[And before she goes any further, she must reiterate to everyone who commented and emailed and called and texted and prayed silently or loudly for her, in her best gangsta-hip hop voice, YO BITCHES AND ONE HULKING DUDE AND MY MAN BONG, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! YOU GUYS ROCK THE MUTHA FU#&ING HOUSE. WORD.]
So anyhoo, she logged back onto Match.com last night to check all her winks and emails.
Apparently, the Zadge is very popular with the 60-something, white-haired crowd who claim to be 48. In fact, the Zadge could probably do a month of blog posts devoted solely to the absurdity she found in her Match mailbox yesterday.
But she will leave you with just one little gem.
This is “Tony”:
Tony states he is a 59-year old from Wyoming. Tony had previously sent the Zadge a long email, claiming to be some sort of very accomplished musician, which included a link to a You Tube video of him playing morose piano 30 years earlier, looking very Rasputin-like.
This will shock you, but the Zadge did not reply. Despite her fascination with the Russian Czars and the Revolution of 1917.
But Tony persists.
While the Zadge was battling the non-existent malignancy, Rasputin Tony sent her the following email. While long, the Zadge includes it in its entirety, so that someone can explain the “handful of shit versus the handful of hope” part and why everyone who emails her seems to talk about “aphorisms“:
my mother’s aphorism and ”the train left the station there were two lights ”
dorothy lived a long and ludicrious life of doing it her way , forced to quit high school in 1929 at age 16 because her father couldn’t afford to feed her she got married had 3 kids with in 5 years and
left them , ran off with another man ,
in1948 she moved to the divorce capital of the world reno, to establish residency for her 2nd divorce .worked as waitress and met the dishwasher, a suave smooth dancing fool spaniard from santa clara who was good with his hands , a freaking artist who quit school after the 5th grade to work . we was there in reno for the same reason , except his wife had cheated on him when he was in the army .
and the magic happened , although it soon turned to illusion . two headstrong and stubborn alphas with little ability to compromise , moving around the west until they settled in santa clara next to his mother , a recipe for disaster . my smothering aunts offering advice to the gringo hillybilly . explosion and divorce #3 and a move to a small towns surrounded by corn and soybeans , i think she was the only divorced woman in town , i was certainly the only person with a spanish surname and she remarried spouse #2 , same result
#1 you can defecate in one hand and hope in the other and see which gets filled up first
#2 you want sympathy ? it is in the dictionary between sh#@ and syphilus
#3 and my alltime favorite about friends and peer pressure ” if you hang around anal orifices , do not be surprised when you end up covered in fecal material .
dorothy was definitely earthy and chose to work in a bowling alley from 4pm to 1 am seving drinks for 30 years instead of a ” traditional” job for single women in the 50′s and 60′s
also helped her avoid parenting .
but to her credit she modeled reading , always had a book and was a horrible card player and from the age of 12 , i refused to be her partner in casta or pinocle. sorry mom. when she came to laramie to visit the first time , i took her to the american legion for bingo .
the next night she told me to take her someplace fun and none of that bingo bs , so i took her to the buckhorn, only bar in laramie on the national register of historic places with a bullet hole in the back mirror . my friend and i started to play pool , partners playing 8 ball for drinks after 2plus hours we lost . dorothy was sitting at the bar with all ten of her new friends swapping dirty jokes
so madam , yes i saw the age parameters , something in the eyes and look – both calm ,vulnerable and challenging made you worthy of investigation. all you can do is say no thanks
i am amused and dismayed by this process , this cyber-space recycling center , a place of hope and dreams and expectations some to be realized some to be shaken and vanish as a cry of the hawk as it circles and looks searching for sustenance and prays for keen eyesight to see the reality and not just the illusion .
i have learned to see and appreciate what is present in the moment and try to make myself available to savor all that is before me . that meet joe black speech of anthony hopkins ” dance like a dervish , levitate be swept away with rapture ”
don’t mean to be cavalier , don’t mind dog hair as long as you don’t mind cat hair .
i won’t bore you – ,might exasperate and infuriate you
be well be joyous
follow the dharma
The Zadge couldn’t make this shit up if she tried. For the love of God, fighting cancer almost looks good compared to trying to date in the internet world.