While the Zadge was busy battling the imaginary Big C these past two weeks, she put her internet dating activity on hold. Because really? Imaginary bald, puking cancer patients aren’t exactly concerned with when their next date is.
BUT NOW THE ZADGE IS BACK!!!
[And before she goes any further, she must reiterate to everyone who commented and emailed and called and texted and prayed silently or loudly for her, in her best gangsta-hip hop voice, YO BITCHES AND ONE HULKING DUDE AND MY MAN BONG, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! YOU GUYS ROCK THE MUTHA FU#&ING HOUSE. WORD.]
So anyhoo, she logged back onto Match.com last night to check all her winks and emails.
Holy.
Mother.
Of.
God.
Apparently, the Zadge is very popular with the 60-something, white-haired crowd who claim to be 48. In fact, the Zadge could probably do a month of blog posts devoted solely to the absurdity she found in her Match mailbox yesterday.
But she will leave you with just one little gem.
This is “Tony”:
Tony states he is a 59-year old from Wyoming. Tony had previously sent the Zadge a long email, claiming to be some sort of very accomplished musician, which included a link to a You Tube video of him playing morose piano 30 years earlier, looking very Rasputin-like.
This will shock you, but the Zadge did not reply. Despite her fascination with the Russian Czars and the Revolution of 1917.
But Tony persists.
While the Zadge was battling the non-existent malignancy, Rasputin Tony sent her the following email. While long, the Zadge includes it in its entirety, so that someone can explain the “handful of shit versus the handful of hope” part and why everyone who emails her seems to talk about “aphorisms“:
my mother’s aphorism and ”the train left the station there were two lights ”
dorothy lived a long and ludicrious life of doing it her way , forced to quit high school in 1929 at age 16 because her father couldn’t afford to feed her she got married had 3 kids with in 5 years and
left them , ran off with another man ,
in1948 she moved to the divorce capital of the world reno, to establish residency for her 2nd divorce .worked as waitress and met the dishwasher, a suave smooth dancing fool spaniard from santa clara who was good with his hands , a freaking artist who quit school after the 5th grade to work . we was there in reno for the same reason , except his wife had cheated on him when he was in the army .
and the magic happened , although it soon turned to illusion . two headstrong and stubborn alphas with little ability to compromise , moving around the west until they settled in santa clara next to his mother , a recipe for disaster . my smothering aunts offering advice to the gringo hillybilly . explosion and divorce #3 and a move to a small towns surrounded by corn and soybeans , i think she was the only divorced woman in town , i was certainly the only person with a spanish surname and she remarried spouse #2 , same result
#1 you can defecate in one hand and hope in the other and see which gets filled up first#2 you want sympathy ? it is in the dictionary between sh#@ and syphilus
#3 and my alltime favorite about friends and peer pressure ” if you hang around anal orifices , do not be surprised when you end up covered in fecal material .
dorothy was definitely earthy and chose to work in a bowling alley from 4pm to 1 am seving drinks for 30 years instead of a ” traditional” job for single women in the 50′s and 60′s
also helped her avoid parenting .but to her credit she modeled reading , always had a book and was a horrible card player and from the age of 12 , i refused to be her partner in casta or pinocle. sorry mom. when she came to laramie to visit the first time , i took her to the american legion for bingo .
the next night she told me to take her someplace fun and none of that bingo bs , so i took her to the buckhorn, only bar in laramie on the national register of historic places with a bullet hole in the back mirror . my friend and i started to play pool , partners playing 8 ball for drinks after 2plus hours we lost . dorothy was sitting at the bar with all ten of her new friends swapping dirty jokesso madam , yes i saw the age parameters , something in the eyes and look – both calm ,vulnerable and challenging made you worthy of investigation. all you can do is say no thanks
i am amused and dismayed by this process , this cyber-space recycling center , a place of hope and dreams and expectations some to be realized some to be shaken and vanish as a cry of the hawk as it circles and looks searching for sustenance and prays for keen eyesight to see the reality and not just the illusion .
i have learned to see and appreciate what is present in the moment and try to make myself available to savor all that is before me . that meet joe black speech of anthony hopkins ” dance like a dervish , levitate be swept away with rapture ”
don’t mean to be cavalier , don’t mind dog hair as long as you don’t mind cat hair .
i won’t bore you – ,might exasperate and infuriate yoube well be joyous
follow the dharma
t
The Zadge couldn’t make this shit up if she tried. For the love of God, fighting cancer almost looks good compared to trying to date in the internet world.
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OMG. I just got served with divorce papers this month, so I am far, far away from the dating world, but can a non-catholic become a nun?
What the f*uck???
Find your delete key and use it.
Amen LisaPie!!
Girl, you are one of a kind! Miss you!
I don’t even know what to say. Dude is obsessed with feces, has a mother fixation and sucks at punctuation. “Cyber space recycling center”? Good grief.
Seriously why go into all of that in an introduction letter? Total nut job! Run Zadge, run!!!
Oh please give us the YouTube link! Please! Pretty Please with a Margarita on top!
I was always a kind of “Greg” guy…
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
And too…
No WONDER when I was on Match when I sent notes out that said “Hi There! I’m a nice guy who likes sports (both watching and playing) who is lookiong for…” I was shot down like The Red Baron…
Dear Zadge……….I think you should jump on Hulk while the gettin’ is good.
No need for thanks Hulk…….you seem to be human..and an actual normal human…..unlike these ditzy guys on Match
that are after The Zadge.
The dude from match seems to have an issue or 25 !
Holy. Hell. What a creep! I believe what you might be looking for is about 1,300 miles northeast of here. You could meet in Des Moines. *I’m rootin’ for ya, Hulk!
I’m off to follow my dharma….well, as long as it’s going to Target.
What? I had to read it twice to even halfway understand.
Zadge, thanks for including the WHOLE email. Clearly, Tony isn’t a guy you can excerpt. I’ll be sure to follow my dharma allllll day today.
By the way, what is dharma??
My favorite part is that you are worthy of “investigation”. CSI Zadge?
“something in the eyes and look – both calm ,vulnerable and challenging made you worthy of investigation. all you can do is say no thanks”
Well, there’s a little bit something there that’s flattering, so hold onto that, but say NO THANKS in classic Zadge caps. Because really? REALLY?
Oy. Thanks goodness I’ve been married a hunnert years…
The best of bloody luck to you.
So happy about your good news! I’ve been thinking about you!
And very odd/creepy/sad letter. Poor weird, lonely man.
Next!
“When the best thing about yourself to put on match.com is how screwed up your mother was…..I somehow feel you have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting a date”……..Hannibel Lecter
Is that British you’re speaking early on in your post?
I liked the Hannibel Lecter quote! Wow, I’m glad that weirdo didn’t like MY profile! But then again, you know I have Match stories that make me think I’m the one with the issues!
HUH?
Exactly.
Um, I don’t think he’s your type. Must agree, there is no way you can make this stuff up. Delete. Next.
I can vouch for Hulk, he is a very nice man.
GOOD GOD.
You need to score those TICKETS and work your calm, vulnerable and challenging wiles on Keef!
I NEED THOSE TICKETS!! WHAT’S A KEITH RICHARDS SHAMELESS TRAMP TO DO???
I am practically speechless………what a convoluted mess.
As any grade schooler will tell you when you are tempted do do something bad,
JUST SAY NO !!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, you DID say no ?
Whew, scared me there for a minute .
Still shaking my head.
Lisa Pie took the words out of my mouth. I think I nodded off for a bit.
Why Tony, why?
Mr. Sadie and I will be married forever because neither of us ever wants to date again. Maybe it’s time for that trip to LA.
Go Sadie Go! Long marriages ROCK! And yes – flying out to LA next Friday! Stay tuned!
And that is why I don’t go to Wyoming anymore.
P.S. I have friends who have been on match and eharmony and say match is a freaking nightmare of epic proportions and even though it takes a substantial amount of time to do the how eharmony profile thing it really is worth it.
P.P.S. I am still goddam giddy that you’re not sick in the boobies.
Me too Penne, about the giddiness. But maybe, in my case, it is drunkenness?
I can tell. This guy is just forever traumatized about losing his stringy ponytail. Steer clear is all I can say.
You should have seen his Hasidic-like beard in the youtube video he sent me. Oy vay.
I don’t know where to start with this one. I may print it out and frame it in my Ecstasy/Gimp Mask/Den of Lies room I am building in my basement. Methinks that dear Tony eats way too many mushrooms (THE MAGIC KIND, ZADGE), has a strong disbelief in capital letters, and was pretending to speak of his mother when it was really his own past marriages. From 1967 to 1988. And as always, Cupcake is right. HE WANTS THAT PONYTAIL BACK. May his search be fruitful.
It’s interesting to see how people choose to present themselves, isn’t it?
What. The. Fuck?!
Worst part of the missive (which is saying a lot): sympathy is NOT “in the dictionary between sh#@ and SYPHILUS”… because SYPHILUS ain’t in the dictionary, my friend. It’s spelled SYPHILIS.
Maybe he should have checked an actual dictionary before hitting send. Ay ay ayyyyyyyy….
And since I’m sure he’s had it, he should know how to spell it, no?
Good grief ! That’s enough to make you want to cancel your membership.
Wow. Holy Carp. *shudder*
Brings back ugly flash backs from the two whole days I was on Match before closing my account and shutting the whole nightmare down.
There has to be a better way.