The Zadge’s heart swelled beneath her troublesome left boob with all the kind words you all left her in the comments and in texts and in emails and phone calls. As the Zadge said to the Sista as they drove to the biopsy today, “Wow. There are a lot of really wonderful people out there.” Thank you, thank you, thank you.
So the Zadge decided to go to bed early last night (which for her means 10:30 p.m.) so she would feel fresh for the impending Boob Invasion. But guess who had a different idea? Yep, the worst dog on the planet Harry. Harry decided that, although he pooped right before the Zadge went to bed, he needed to go again at 4:15 a.m. In the snow. In the 30 degree cold. With Zadge in her underwear. Chasing Harry around the snow covered yard as he tried to – and succeeded in – eating his and Bugs’ poopsicles from a few hours earlier.
Fighting cancer will be easier than living with this hound.
Anyhoo, with the biopsy scheduled for noon, the Zadge hit the gym first, to try and sweat out some of her escalating anxiety. An hour later, she was sweaty but not in any way relaxed. So she headed home and promptly popped a Xanax. Nothing. Fifteen minutes later, she popped another. Nothing.
The Zadge’s body has always been very resistent to drugs. She can drink three cups of coffee and immediately fall asleep. But now, she needed the damn drugs to work and they weren’t. So she turned to the Sista and said, “Let’s do this” and off they went.
Well, three hours and a medical roller coaster of a ride later, the Zadge has good news and she has bad news.
The good news is that they got the Zadge all set up for her “stereotactic biopsy” which involves lying face down on a table with a big hole cut in the middle where you put your boob while you stare at the two foot long needle-gun they are going to shoot into your little B cup boob. The Zadge imagined the needle coming out the back of her body it was so long. Then they compress your boob like in a mammogram and take these super fancy x-rays that show the pesky little cancer things at an uber-high resolution.
Then the doctor came in and exclaimed, “Oh! I don’t think we need to do this biopsy – look, they aren’t clustered like we thought! They are spread all over (which apparently is not anything to worry about).” ”Seriously?!” the Zadge replied. ”Yep! Now that we can see everything this closely, you don’t have anything indicating malignancy. We’ll just do an ultrasound to make sure we aren’t missing anything.”
The Zadge almost shat her pants with glee. The nurse went out and told the Sista, who walked into the operating room crying with happiness.
But now the bad news. When the doc did the ultrasound, she confirmed that there was nothing of concern in the left boob. ”Let’s just look at the right one too, while we’re here.”
Well, guess what? The doc found some suspicious looking tissue in the right boob. ”I think we should do a biopsy on that.”
Crash! The sound of the Zadge’s hopes hitting the ground. She thought about saying, “Oh just cut the two muther f#$kers off right now and put in some implants and let’s just move on.” But that would probably be rash, no?
So they did the biopsy – a different kind of biopsy than the original one she was supposed to have, which was totally painless, by the way – and withdrew all these tissue samples to send to the lab. And now the Zadge has to wait until Monday afternoon to learn if she now has cancer in her right boob.
Thank god she has this adorable little squeaky four-year old in ‘da house to distract her.
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Great news on lefty! Continued prayers for good results on the biopsy! Amazing how a 4 year old sweetness can bring a little calmness.
Having had the same experience, lying face down, boob in a sling, dr.s face not to be seen, I relate and then being told – it’s nothing! Be calm, believe, be in the groove, be in charge! It’s modern medicine at it’s supposed finest – let’s make sure no dr. gets sued. The sista’s Meg and Bee’s Mom sends all good karma to “The Zadge” – she’s the bestest! xoxo
Shifting prayers to the right side!
Sounds like the Sista and Finn are good medicine in the meantime.
Exhaling slowly and now holding my breath again until you hear back about the right side. My thoughts, prayers and positive energy remain with you!
Oh! And every time I see little Finn, I would like to squeeze him and run my fingers through that magnificent hair!
Cheering for the left side. Now, the right side needs to take note and follow suit. Hear that right side?
Seriously think Finn is the cutest little four year old ever!
NO FUCKING WAY DO YOU HAVE CANCER. NO WAY. ok love you. xoxo.
What she said.
It’s all going to be good! Enjoy your visit with the Sista and that adorable little nephew, that’s the best medicine to be found!
Still sending good juju your way!
Shifting prayers to the right side! Barbara, terrific idea. Now that the left side has set the good example, the right side needs to pay attention. Glad Sista and Finn are there with you. Love and laughter are just what you need.
Think how awesome it would be if we only had one boob, right in the middle and then this would all be done. But it would suck if you had twins and they were both hungry because you’d have to order one of them a pizza or something. But it would be better in this case.
Also? Righty is clean. I just know it. Smooch that little towhead and enjoy your Sista time. xoxoxo
That is hang-on-for-dear-life ride you are on. Still sending good Juju.
That is one crazy roller coaster you’re on! Try to have a good weekend. Sending postive thoughts your way.
Holy crap…………if it was the Dr.’s boob HE would already know !
Finn = better than Xanax.
Harry – he took your mind off your boob for a few minutes , didn’t he?
Only trying to help …….that Harry.
Also, shifting the good thoughts for the right boob.
I am oddly resistant to Xanax too – can’t they invent something better? Good grief sister, I’m jumpin’ on the roller coaster this weekend with you – let’s buckle in for the ride! Also, what Cupcake said. (Also, Hi Moomkers and Sistah! Keep her busy! )
oh the waiting must be agony! Sending positive thoughts your way…
btw, I highlighted the babe cave on my renovation round-up today!
i hope you don’t have a third boob hiding anywhere I don’t think I can handle it! lol
continued prayers hon!!!!!
Honest to God! As many of your commenters said, switching prayers to the right side. That Finn is so squeezable. I’m sure you’ll have a great time with him and the Sista.
I am laughing thinking about you with boobs! Don’t do it! They just get in the way! It’s not the real Zadge! I am keeping my fingers crossed for you Zadge that all turns out well – I know having The Sista’ and Finn in ‘da house is a real spirit booster! Is Moomskers in ‘da house too? Hi Moomskers!
Yo, Bridget!
Oh geez! I think you deserve a v&t or 20… glad you have family in town to surround you with love & support & to distract you while you’re waiting for the news.
FUCK cancer, fucking jerk!
ASS HOLE FACE. GET THE FUCK OUT. YOU HAVE THE WRONG ADDRESS SIR DORKNESS.
A roller coaster is right. Like Dollywood. But smaller. If you get my drift.
Wow…that is a roller coaster, I’m so so so happy that left is just mischievous and was faking the whole cancer thing. That is the meanest practical joke, lefty.
Hoping that Righty is on the joke!
So were you kidding about it being painless?
Prayers to the right!
The sista and the fin will make it all bearable!
I just know, I just KNOW the right boob is going to be a-ok. You have the mother effin dense boob crap, just like me and I can’t tell you how many OMG! you have a malignancy…um…wait, no you don’t, moments I have had. Along with the upside down needle thing in my dense ass boobs. And I know my punctuation and grammar are abominable right now, but I don’t care. The Zadge’s boob has had a reprieve and the other one will, too! Hurry up Monday and give us the good news. Still praying, but I know what the answer is.
Zadge, I hope little Finn and the rest of the family can keep your mind of your worries. Continued prayers for your health.
Oy Vey! What a day you had. Glad lefty has the all clear. I’m thinking positive thoughts for righty. I know you are anxious for Monday. Glad little Finn is there to keep you busy. I can’t help but smile when I see that adorable little face!
Continued prayers for The Zadge! BTW, could Finn be any more adorable? Also, you seem to have a phenomenal Sistah and Moomskers. Sending prayers and thoughts your way.
Way to go, Zadge! All will be well, I just know it. Waiting is the hard, right? Sheesh. Been there.
I have been praying for you to get a good result and you will!
My Aunt in SC had a biopsy on Thurs and is having to wait until Monday too! So freaking annoying! But I’m still praying for you and you will have good news! God Bless!
Sending prayers and best wishes. Love that little guy!
Zadge, so glad the left boob is treating you better! Sending you lots of good vibes for the right one. Had a scare myself last year, and it’s no fun. Be well, my friend.
Zadge, continued prayers for excellent news today.
Said a prayer for you and I’m wishing you all the best.
Holy Crap, I miss a few days and all hell breaks loose! Ok… sending lots of good vibes your way. Boobs are mysterious lumpy creatures and I hope that yours are just that – mysteriously, but normally lumpy.