One day you are strolling through your life, consciously thinking how happy you are, and how fantastic your life is, and how much you love all of your friends and family and your house and your dogs and your Babe Cave, and your guitar, and how excited you are for the Sista and the Fin’s visit later in the week, and how healthy you feel, and you book a weekend trip to Los Angeles to visit Cooper and the Cupcakes and have a date with that cute guy you met in the airport a few months ago, and then WHAM! Out of nowhere, you get clobbered by life.
And that’s what happened to the Zadge yesterday.
After a series of tests over the past week, the Zadge found out that she has suspicious growths in her left boob that look malignant. The Big C.
When she first found out last week that her mammogram showed something suspicious, she texted her ex, Dr. Boy Toy. See, Dr. Boy Toy, while a boob himself, is also a radiologist who specializes in boob radiology. She asked him if she should be nervous and he assured her “No, not yet. Very routine.” So the Zadge didn’t worry.
Then yesterday morning, she had a series of additional tests. When the radiologist came in to give her the news, the Zadge could tell just from his face something was wrong. And sure enough, something was wrong. He gave her the news that he suspected a malignancy and that she would have to have a biopsy to confirm. The biopsy is set for Thursday.
So a shell-shocked Zadge left the doctor’s office and texted Dr. Boy Toy exactly what the radiologist had told her. His response, “I’ll call you tonight.” Which he did. And he said, “Yes, that sounds like it could be malignant.” And then he described the process, which includes big needles stuck in the Zadge’s boob, and an MRI, and then possibly a lumpectomy, or a mastectomy depending on the lab results, and then radiation, and possibly chemo, and possibly a double mastectomy due to how dense the Zadge’s breast tissue is, among other things. He told her he would help her any way he could.
The Zadge hung up. And then our Intrepid Heroine, she who usually is quite fearless and a renowned ass-kicker, promptly had a total meltdown. Weeping, she started imagining the Baby Goose falling out just as she had spent two years letting it grow long. She started picturing her scarred chest. She saw herself puking from the chemo. She began googling “suspicious microcalcifications” and “ductal carcinoma in situ” and “breast reconstruction.” You know, she lost her shit. And man, are there a lot of saggy boobs out there getting reconstructed.
Then she went to bed and tossed and turned all night while sweet little Bugs snored next to her.
She woke up and looked at herself in the mirror. And she made a decision.
She had allowed herself one night to wallow in it. Now it was time to put on her big girl panties. Fuck it, she said to herself. I’m not going to die from this. The worst that can happen is they cut the shit out of my boobs and I lose my hair.
And if that happens, she decided she was going to buy the best blonde, long, supermodel-hair wig that exists, and she was going to bump up her little boobs into some big TaTas. And then she’d be good as new.
After all, if life gives you the Big C, go up to the Big C cup.
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Absolutely fuck it. You are not going to die. You will go through chemo, lose your hair, discover your real friends and that find out that boobs aren’t really all that important. Life is important. I went from 36A boob to 34DD boobs during reconstruction. Would I have chosen to do it this way? Absolutely not. Am I healthy, happy and alive, HELL YES! If you have ANY questions, you have my email.
You are amazing and will beat cancer’s ass. Praying for you.
I wish I had something funny I could say here to make things better…
Hair’s overrated.
Hugs to you – if anyone can kick cancer’s ass it’s the Zadge.
Go get it girl. Revenge is sweet. Keep that fighting attitude!
thinking of and praying for you. stay strong!
I’ve been lurking for a long time (via BBP) …
Now is the time for me to come forward and tell you that here is another person who is sending positive thoughts your way. You are so strong; you can do this.
Hell yes, you’re going to beat it! I love your attitude, a positive attitude is 99% of the battle. Stay strong and know that you have a lot of us praying for you. You have my email, if there is anything I can do, please let me know! Maybe Hulk would like to help you pick out your new boobies.
If anyone has the right attitude it is you Zadge. You are strong and fierce! I will be praying for you, everything is going to be just fine! Lots of hugs!
Standing here, trying to think of something brilliant and encouraging. Then I realized it’s you that’s brilliant and encouraging. Just keep being you.
Hair is indeed overrated. As are boobs.
Like The Dude, you will abide. You’re in my prayers.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh no. I am so sorry to hear this. Hang in there, and yes, you can get through it. But still.
Be you. Be The Mayor.
Crap. Cancer, you suck! Thinking of you.
It’s not the C until they say it is. But, if it is, i’ll negotiate for a two for one with one of the fab Miami plastics, and we’ll get big new tits together.
Holy crap, I can’t believe this news. You are a strong woman with the best attitude and you will kick this right in the ass!
You will get through this. Either way. Also? I have had at least five friends get to where you are and have it be benign. I am sending continuous good Juju your way.
Thinking of you… if anybody can beat this, you can.
Oh, man, sucks big time. I’m one of those pesky lurkers. I think found your site through Bye Bye Pie. Love you, really love your dogs (and Tulip). Wished I lived in Colorado so we could hang out, or maybe you could move to Illinois, Land of Corrupt Politicians. Anyhow, I used to work for the American Society of Plastic Surgeons and would be happy to call on my friends there to find the best surgeon in your area. The ones getting all the press aren’t necessarily the best surgeons. Please let me know if I can help. Sending healing thoughts your way.
Zadge, I’m so sorry! But you are going to kick the sh&$ out of cancer!! You are a Kick-A$$ kinda gal and you got this covered.
I know you aren’t there yet, but I want to tell you what I learned dealing with my mom’s cancer, get your doctor to give you Zofran for the nausea. It is a wonder-drug.
I’m going to be praying for you-you will beat this!!
Oh my sweet Zadge. Fuck cancer. I mean, fuck it. I want to go find that quivering piece of shit and kick its ass until it cries for its Mama and runs away for good.
You were right to wallow for one day, now go kick some ass.
I’m sure you’ve seen it before, but here’s some big inspiration from a little girl.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJHFf1QRoHk
If you need anything, anything, I’m an email away. Now, I’m off to google Rolling Stones tickets to see if I can make some magic for you. Also? I’m going to schedule my mammogram asap.
Apparently this cancer has NO idea who they are screwing with: Ninja Zadge! Sending you healing thoughts, much love and prayers and standing in your doorway!
I’m sending good thoughts your way. Boobs and hair do not a woman make. Women are made of strength, guts, and determination and you’ve got all that in spades. Now, go out there and kick some ass.
Love this.
You have a gifted way of writing and conveying happiness, loss, fear and hope through all your stories. Will keep you in my prayers. BTW, so admire your strength and determination in general, you could write a book just on that alone.
Delurking, Zadge. Another blog follower and admirer sending positive wishes your way.
You’re damn tootin you can do this! Fuck cancer, let’s all just say it together, FUCK CANCER! We need t shirts.
I wish I was close by and could lend a hand and a hug. Just holler if there is anything I can do.
We happened to be next to my gyn yesterday. I asked if we had time to go in for a quick exam since I was so overdo. I should make that appointment.
You charge forth, and you kicketh some ass! I am pulling for you.
Hang tough, Zadge. It is good to have a pity party at first. Get on with it then, do what needs to be done and carry on. In other words, kick ass. Sending good thoughts your way.
Dude. You will abide.
Say, you know what might cheer you up? A visit from Edsel! He’s on the next plane.
Joining your cheerleading team, Zadge. We ARE family and you definitely have all your sistas with you. Beat that badass!!
Being a Big C battler myself (I was diagnosed in Jan 2010) I’m here if you have any questions. Email me.
My Mama upgraded to a C cup after the big C as well, and she LOVES ‘EM. Glad you had a nice wallow… now fuck it. And thanks, Dr. Boy Toy, for being sweet.
<3
Oh, Zadge, I’m sorry. I really have no idea what those words are that you googled, but I do know that “in situ” is a good thing. Let’s go with that!
boobs are over-rated anyway. They are essentially over-sized sweat glands ( a science friend tells me anyway). You’ll kick this, and have one more awesome inspiring Zadge story to tell from it!
*hugs* from Canon City
–>Cancer can suck it!
My good friend just had her reconstruction surgery and said she feels great now and all in all it wasn’t “that” bad of an experience. She’s 47.
Goodness …miss a day at the Zadge’s place and all hell breaks loose.
You go Zadge…..attitude is a big part of the battle.
You’ve got it .
Zadge,
I’m so sorry, but I’ll echo everyone else in knowing the Big C doesn’t know who it is messing with. You will kick it to the curb and stomp that sucker flat. You are one strong and determined woman with family and friends who love you. And Edsel is on his way to cheer you!
You have a world of support out here… and yes, cancer sucks. But it isn’t cancer until the biopsy says so. And if it is, and if you have to lose your over-rated sweat gland boobs then you can have new ones constructed to your specs. And, if your falls out it will grow back. Mine came back just a little darker and not so miserably fine. My hair actually has some body now. Oh Hell, if yours falls out I’ll shave my head and we’ll be bald together in different states. You can be bareheaded in Colorado and I’ll be bareheaded in California. C’mon, Internet Zadge Fans! How many of you will join me in honoring Zadge’s lost locks?
HAIR, if your HAIR falls out…
Hey there, I’m sorry and shocked to hear this!! Stay cool, keep me updated, please … You will beat this, I know you will! Please let me know if you need an ear or anything at all! Sending LOVE.
CARP!
Maybe Edsel will lend you his Cone of Shame.
Thinking good thoughts…
Oh my God, I literally cried reading your entire post! Bless your heart. (Sorry, I’m Southern, I can’t help it.) You will totally kick this thing’s ass. And bigger boobs are the BEST present you can give yourself. We’ll be here. You’ve got this!
Many prayers and positve thoughts going out to you! Like my doc told me two months ago when they found two masses in my left lung, stay off google…….we’re all here for you! luv ya!
delurking…sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
I read your post and then everyone’s comments and I’m with all of them…fuck the Big C. I too had my issue with cancer about 3 years ago, lost my hair, still losing my hair, have a super cute wig though and so far am cancer free. You’ll get through this, you’re a tough babe!
Fuck the big C indeed. You’re totally going kick some C ass.
You know I am virtually holding hands with Moomskers and the Sista and you and we are all making a circle of love around you. LIVE STRONG. Just like we painted on our arms at BlogHer!
Thanks, sweet Meg…
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, but I think you’re a super hero! You have a great attitude and are young and super healthy. If anyone can beat this, it’s you. You will be in my prayers.
My SIL is a twelve year survivor and we just celebrated her 50th birthday last year. I wish at 43 my ta-tas looked that great! (And I’ve never had children either!) Great attitude=great outcome! Good for you.
Now there is The Zadge we know and love – kick ass and take name’s later! I have had many friends who have been diagnosed over the years – they’re all still kicking and kicking the big “C”‘s ASS – as will the Zadge – attitude is EVERYTHING! Keeping you in my prayers sista’!
We love you.
The Zadge is insurmountable in everyway – Meg at Members and Bridget’s Momski says so!!! We so love you and your commentary and your love of everything that is good – you will prevail…love and blessings…
Just read the news. My thoughts are with you today as you undergo your testing. Regardless of the outcome, you are strong and brave and I know you will face whatever it is with grace, humor and wit. Please remember there are countless friends out here who love you!
*They’re…
Great. A grammatical error when I’m trying to be sweet!
Oh Zadgey. You will do this. You will make cancer very sorry it picked you. Tell me what I can do to help. I am right around the corner and am a very good doggie walker, grocery go-getter, snow shoveler, dancer.
xoxoxoxoxo
Yah, Zadge……have Penne come dance for you !
Last week was not a good week in the delivery of cancer news department. My mom just got a diagnosis of endometrial cancer. Which is highly treatable and survivable and all, but still, CANCER. If your biopsy shows this, and it still might not! you know you have the love and support of many people. And that makes a big difference. Good thoughts and prayers are out there for you.
Continued prayers, Zadge.
Because of your post Zadge, I did NOT reschedule my yearly which I wanted to do and while I was there this morning, I scheduled my mammogram in. Also I checked back at your comments in case there was an update but also because your commenters are inspiring with their kick-ass attitudes too!
Well sh!t. Kick ass. If anyone can beat the C it’s you. Sending prayers from VA.
Zadge, Getting that news entitles you to a melt down. Or even a few over time. When you feel like you’re losing your courage or strength your friends will carry it for you until you’re ready to pick it up again. Remember, when you feel you’ve lost it, look around. One of your friends is holding it for you.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.