They call it a “Remote Training Collar.” The Zadge calls it what it is, “The Shocker.”
See, the Prison Training Program wasn’t able to work with Bugs on his habit of running away like the wind because they couldn’t exactly stage a break-out opportunity for him. What with it being a prison and whatnot. So the dog trainer told the Zadge to buy The Shocker and the trainer would come to Old Vicky and train Bugsy Malone with it, so that he would never run away and get hit by a car.
As an aside, the Zadge has been calling Bugs “Bugsy Malone” for quite some time now, thinking it was a reference to a famous Chicago Gangster from the ’20s. But she just googled it and was AGHAST to learn that “Bugsy Malone” is a character in a ’70s musical played by SCOTT BAIO!! Oh my god, does this mean that the Zadge needs to start calling Bugs “Chachi”?!
So anyhoo, as the Zadge was buying The Shocker online, it suddenly occurred to her that maybe she was buying it for the wrong dog!
Do you see this:
This is the pack of gum that was in the Zadge’s purse this morning. The purse that was sitting on the stairs in Old Vicky that Harry refuses to climb. The purse, that when the Zadge returned from a four-effing-minute run down to the hardware store half a block away, was strewn all over the house.
The Zadge was momentarily confused. Harry had never tried to eat the Zadge’s purse before. Then suddenly, she had a flash back. To MB’s purse strewn all over the house. And the resulting $3500 RENAL FAILURE and HOSPITALIZATION.
The Zadge wondered if she left a protein bar in her purse, but didn’t think she had. As she crawled around the floor picking up her wallet, and sunglasses, and tampons, and tissues, she could not figure out what the hell possessed her hellion to attack her purse.
And then she saw the shredded remains of the Trident Gum pack. Which had been almost completely full.
“Oh, Harry,” the Zadge sighed, imagining the bubbles he would be blowing out of his butt shortly. She strolled over to her computer to check out the breaking news on The Face about “Oh my god, could it be any hotter?” (People – it’s freakin’ JULY!!! It’s SUPPOSED TO BE HOT.) when she thought to herself, “Self, you better google whether gum is bad for dogs.”
And guess what? The goddamn XYLITOL in it is apparently as toxic to dogs as the effing homeopathic sinus medicine Harry quaffed in March and also causes renal failure!!
Who knew? Artificial sweetener! Add it to the list with grapes, raisins, onions and homeopathic sinus meds! So the Zadge ran and got the Hydrogen Peroxide to make Harry puke up the gum.
Yeah, that went well.
Harry went insane, sprinting all over the house away from the Zadge until she cornered him in the mudroom and tried to hold him with one hand and force the hydrogen peroxide down his throat. No go.
Flashes of the previous $3500 vet bill floated through her vision, crashing head-on into the $6300 sewer line bill. The Zadge pondered her next move. She pulled out some Fage Greek Yogurt from the fridge, which always brought Harry panting to her feet. She dumped out half of the yogurt and replaced it with the peroxide. She put it on the floor and crossed her fingers.
He licked up every last bit of it. So the Zadge waited for the gum-vomit to come. It didn’t.
So the Zadge went to the pool and swam laps for 30 minutes, then came home.
Still no vomit. And no bubbles out of the butt.
So for now, the Zadge is crossing her fingers that there will be no repeat of the March Renal Failure Incident.