The Zadge just bought this for Bugs:
They call it a “Remote Training Collar.” The Zadge calls it what it is, “The Shocker.”
See, the Prison Training Program wasn’t able to work with Bugs on his habit of running away like the wind because they couldn’t exactly stage a break-out opportunity for him. What with it being a prison and whatnot. So the dog trainer told the Zadge to buy The Shocker and the trainer would come to Old Vicky and train Bugsy Malone with it, so that he would never run away and get hit by a car.
As an aside, the Zadge has been calling Bugs “Bugsy Malone” for quite some time now, thinking it was a reference to a famous Chicago Gangster from the ’20s. But she just googled it and was AGHAST to learn that “Bugsy Malone” is a character in a ’70s musical played by SCOTT BAIO!! Oh my god, does this mean that the Zadge needs to start calling Bugs “Chachi”?!
So anyhoo, as the Zadge was buying The Shocker online, it suddenly occurred to her that maybe she was buying it for the wrong dog!
Do you see this:
This is the pack of gum that was in the Zadge’s purse this morning. The purse that was sitting on the stairs in Old Vicky that Harry refuses to climb. The purse, that when the Zadge returned from a four-effing-minute run down to the hardware store half a block away, was strewn all over the house.
The Zadge was momentarily confused. Harry had never tried to eat the Zadge’s purse before. Then suddenly, she had a flash back. To MB’s purse strewn all over the house. And the resulting $3500 RENAL FAILURE and HOSPITALIZATION.
The Zadge wondered if she left a protein bar in her purse, but didn’t think she had. As she crawled around the floor picking up her wallet, and sunglasses, and tampons, and tissues, she could not figure out what the hell possessed her hellion to attack her purse.
And then she saw the shredded remains of the Trident Gum pack. Which had been almost completely full.
“Oh, Harry,” the Zadge sighed, imagining the bubbles he would be blowing out of his butt shortly. She strolled over to her computer to check out the breaking news on The Face about “Oh my god, could it be any hotter?” (People – it’s freakin’ JULY!!! It’s SUPPOSED TO BE HOT.) when she thought to herself, “Self, you better google whether gum is bad for dogs.”
And guess what? The goddamn XYLITOL in it is apparently as toxic to dogs as the effing homeopathic sinus medicine Harry quaffed in March and also causes renal failure!!
Who knew? Artificial sweetener! Add it to the list with grapes, raisins, onions and homeopathic sinus meds! So the Zadge ran and got the Hydrogen Peroxide to make Harry puke up the gum.
Yeah, that went well.
Harry went insane, sprinting all over the house away from the Zadge until she cornered him in the mudroom and tried to hold him with one hand and force the hydrogen peroxide down his throat. No go.
Flashes of the previous $3500 vet bill floated through her vision, crashing head-on into the $6300 sewer line bill. The Zadge pondered her next move. She pulled out some Fage Greek Yogurt from the fridge, which always brought Harry panting to her feet. She dumped out half of the yogurt and replaced it with the peroxide. She put it on the floor and crossed her fingers.
He licked up every last bit of it. So the Zadge waited for the gum-vomit to come. It didn’t.
So the Zadge went to the pool and swam laps for 30 minutes, then came home.
Still no vomit. And no bubbles out of the butt.
So for now, the Zadge is crossing her fingers that there will be no repeat of the March Renal Failure Incident.
Are you “shocked” by the latest shenanigans? Of course, you’re not.
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Have you considered an iron cage to house your purse?
I hereby declare Harry to be the most lovable pain in the arse dog that side of the Mississippi!
What are you feeding Harry? Maybe the guy is hungry?
Keeping my fingers crossed for Harry’s health. I began to worry as soon as I saw the Trident since I read somewhere that it is toxic to dogs. Vomit, Harry, vomit!
Do you think you should take Harry to the vet? Maybe they would pump his stomach. I would be very worried. At least you were able to view the whole situation with humor.
Let us know how he is doing, I just looked it up and it could be a big problem.
Oh how I love that picture of Harry! I don’t think that gorgeous boy could ever do anything wrong. You MUST have a ghost dog in the house that chews rugs and gum. Well, except for the thing out of your friend’s purse; that was definitely Harry. But still, I’m in denial about the rest.
Laughing at the strolling over to the computer and checking The Face and then deciding to check on the gum issue.
I agree with Amish Annie – Harry is far to adorable to be such a trouble maker!
Has the Zadge considered crating the lovable Harry? Just saying, cheaper than a vet visit…..
I hope Harry spewed!
I have the shock collar and it is a miracle worker in every way. We had a runaway dog and she is the most well behaved dog in the world now. I wish we lived closer. I give it to everyone who needs to train a pup or just a curious, eating-everything-toxic dog like Harry.
Also? My daughters put it on their 16 year old friend. (He dared them to.) They didn’t realize when they shocked him, they had it at full strength. He’s 18 now and fine. Makes dumb decisions, but I think that’s more from being a teenage boy than the results of a giant zap.
When I was in Sonoma last week, staying at a fabulous B&B, the owners had a giant lab who was still very much a puppy, even though he’s almost two. I know you know about lab’s and their extended puppyhood. Anyway, I was having my daily lovefest with that beautiful boy, when he stuck his head in my purse. I wasn’t thinking about it, until I heard him crunching on something. Instantly, I stuck my hand in his mouth and discovered my entire pack of decongestant pills. Thankfully, my lightning reaction kept him from eating any of them. Dogs, what are you gonna do?
Of course, you recognized Lambert Bridge, my friend! Those puppies were fabulous. I’d had more than my share of wineries that day, so the St. Bernard was the only sustenance I needed.
One time our dog ate a whole chicken carcass that was defrosting in the sink. So my mom gave her a few doses of Ipecac. It spewed out both ends.
The dog had the most miserable look on her face.
Wow.
Scott Baio is hot!!
When I read of Harry’s shenanigans, I want to hug you fiercely, because you’re so brave to have to deal with him on top of everything else. And then I want to hug Harry. I don’t know why. The big lug.
My dog were trained in Austin by Unleashed Unlimited with the “zappers”. They are awesome. My girls behave better off leash than the do on the leash.
Oh you should have called me, I would have run right over! I have had to peroxide Henry twice now. Not fun at all. Once when he chewed up a bottle of rimadyl and then again for corn cobs. Hope Harrys feeling okay. Let me know how the shocker goes. Henry is 12 and still roams on occasion. We had an invisible fence at our old house and I miss it.