The Zadge is just sitting here on a Friday night rocking out to “The Bridge” on XM/Sirius. OMG, “Wildfire” is on. Poor girl lost her pony in a killing frost.
But the Zadge is pulling herself away from bad 70′s music to tell you two very important things.
No, it does not.
But apparently it does to Tulip. Who has, of late, been using said rug as a litter box. I KNOW! You thought only Harry ruined the rugs in Old Vicky!
Oh, wait! Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nicks are on singing “Whenever I call you friend.” The Zadge must croon along for a minute.
Okay, she’s back. The Zadge does not understand why Tulip has decided now, a year after the rug was first put in that room, to pee on it. Of course, the Zadge should have expected it. In the Little Yellow House in D.C., the Zadge mistakenly bought a deep shag white rug from Crate and Barrel. She didn’t realize that Tulip was using the deep pile as a litter box until one night, when she was having a hot and heavy, ahem, encounter on the rug with a date, only to put her hand smack down on a brown pellet of cat poop.
Sexy. And you wonder why the Zadge can’t keep a man.
Anyhoo, the cheap Target
rug litter box is now in the dumpster in the alley. Remind the Zadge again why she just bought a beautiful Brazilian cowhide rug for her living room?
So, the second thing that the Zadge has to tell you is going to make you happier than Harry in the pool.
Hold on, Neil Young is acoustically mourning the four kids killed at Kent State. Uplifting is what the Zadge’s night is.
Okay, back to the second thing the Zadge has to tell you. And girls, you are going to love your Zadge for this little tidbit. If any of you want to shed some pounds without doing a thing, without dieting or exercise, with no side effects, go buy this right now:
Green coffee beans. The new, medically-proven way to lose weight easily and quickly. I know, the Zadge sounds like some damn infomercial but here’s the skinny. Ha ha ha.
Hold on, Billy Joel is now singing “Only the Good Die Young.” Damn, The Bridge has a death fetish.
Anyhoo, the Zadge was working out at her gym, watching a Dr. Oz show about the power of green coffee beans. Apparently, they have something called chlorogenic acid in them that inhibits glucose and pumps up your metabolism. (Coffee and regular coffee beans don’t have it because the roasting burns up the chlorogenic acid). Some recent medical study showed that participants took the green coffee bean supplement for three months and lost an average of SEVENTEEN mother-of-god pounds doing absolutely nothing different. Dr. Oz said he even found it hard to believe, but then conducted his own study on volunteers and found it was true.
The Zadge was born at night, but not last night. She found it hard to believe. But not so hard that she didn’t jump off the spinning bike and run to the internet and buy herself some immediately. She imagined her Gelatinous Muffin Top just melting away.
She started taking the beans nine days ago. And guess what? The GMT is completely gone. She kids you not – gone. The Zadge’s body is back to how it looked back when she was running five miles a day.
In case you don’t believe the Zadge, and you should, because she always tells the truth and never exZADGErates at all, you can read about it here on Dr. Oz’s website. And you can order the beans here. And no, the company that sells them didn’t pay the Zadge to write this. They don’t even know she exists. But if they find out, she hopes they send her some free beans because lord knows the GMT will make its ugly return at some point in the future.
The Zadge must sign off now because Eric Clapton is telling her she “Looks Wonderful Tonight.”