The Zadge prepared for the Oscars by going on a spree, watching “Moneyball” Friday night, “The Help” on Saturday night, and a “Hugo” matinee with Lizzie and her 11-year old sister on Sunday. She’d already seen “The Descendants” and “Midnight in Paris.” She entered an Oscar pool, where she picked “The Artist” to win, even though she hadn’t seen it.
What she should have done to prepare was get jacked up on caffeine.
Because Oscars 2012 should have been called Snoozealooza. BO-RING!
The Opening Movie number with cameos by the Cloon and the Cruise was clever, but Billy Crystal went downhill after that. Then again, maybe the Zadge was just too distracted by his bad plastic surgery.
Then there were a bunch of boring awards, all seemingly going to “Hugo.” The Zadge didn’t pay much attention because she kept getting texts from friends talking about how good Melanie Griffith looked while the Zadge kept wondering why she hadn’t caught a shot of her.
The Zadge started to pay attention again when the first big award of the night was announced. Octavia Spencer won Best Supporting Actress!! Yay!!! Although she almost tumbled up the stairs to the stage under the weight of her train.
Chris Rock came out to announce something or other and he was funny and the Zadge wished he was hosting instead of Billy Crystal.
The sound went out while Billy Crystal was introducing someone and no one noticed.
Aw, Christopher Plummer won Best Supporting Actor at 82 years old. The Zadge still swoons over him – what a handsome Captain Von Trapp he was!
Next up was Anorexic Morticia to announce Best Adapted Screenplay. Her black dress had a side slit and she kept holding her leg out at a weird angle to show it off. Someone needs to feed her more vials of blood.
At this point in the evening, it was clear that the Zadge was not going to win her Oscar pool.
The Bridesmaids came out on the stage together and they should all kill the bride, because every single one of their dresses was butt ugly. See below.
Three hours later came the good stuff. WHOA!! Huge upset in Best Actor! The Cloon lost out to the Frenchy Monsieur, Jean of the Garden. He’s hot. The Zadge started talking to Harry in a French accent.
Mon dieu, Meryl Streep won for Best Actress and gave a great speech. The Zadge was rooting for Viola but thinks Meryl is sort of da bomb and that they would be BFFs.
OMG, the Cruise came out to present Best Picture. The Zadge thought Hollywood had basically turned its back on him with all his weird Scientology “Matt, you don’t know what you are talking about, Matt” shenanigans. But, dang. he’s aging very well. Blah, blah, blah, “The Artist” wins, big surprise. Still won’t pull the Zadge into first place on her Oscar pool.
But really, who cares about writing and directing and acting? Let’s get to the important stuff -it’s all we intellectuals care about, right?
First, the Zadge’s fashion misses:
The Zadge will spare you a photo, but Jennifer Lopez’s left areola was visible while she was presenting with Cameron Diaz. You know that wasn’t an accident. Classy.
Brad Pitt was orange. The Zadge wishes that he would lose the greasy bob. And Angie.
And oh god, Bradley Cooper was sporting some heinous porn stashe.
Now on to the Hits:
The Zadge used to be a big Gwyneth fan but now can’t stand her overexposed, straight-ironed, I’m in really good shape, and fake British, and friends with Beyonce and Jay Z, Goopy self. But the Zadge has to give her props – the Goop looked stunning. Best of the night.
Tina Fey finally sported an elegant dress and made her fellow Wahoo proud.
And the Zadge would like to say she she has to get to bed now, but she thinks she caught enough ZZZZZs during the show.