If you didn’t watch the Oscars, you can thank the Zadge for saving you three hours of your life.

Boring, boring, boring.  O.M.G.  The Academy Awards were so dull this year that the Zadge just nodded off typing that sentence.

The dresses were boring.  The speeches were boring. The movies were boring.   Okay, so the Zadge hasn’t seen a single one of the nominated movies because she doesn’t ever go to the movies, so she can’t really say they were boring.  But the awards were, because everyone already knew who was going to win.  No. Surprise. Whatsoever. Colin. Natalie. King’s Speech.

The whole thing was a ginormous snooze fest.

Yes, there was my girl Sharon rocking the red carpet with her movie star badness.  Yes, we all know she is nuts, and used to be half of the Zadge’s celebrity cross, but dang she looks good at 50-whatever she is:

And speaking of stunning nut jobs, does Halle ever look anything but drop dead gorgeous? Definitely not boring!

But then there was the rest of the boring evening.

Let’s start with the new, young, hip hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  Watching them for three hours felt like “127 Hours” and I wanted to saw my arm off to end the agony.

Then there was the utterly painful appearance of the 145-year old Kirk Douglas, who introduced the nominees for Best Supporting Actress, and who apparently has had, in addition to a tragic stroke, more tragic plastic surgery than Joan Rivers.

Right after he took the stage, the Zadge’s deceased Irish grandmother called and wondered where her tea doilies were.  Oh look! Melissa Leo is wearing them to the Academy Awards!  Meliss, you already made one huge misstep with that whole self-promotion thing with those ads you paid for and now this? Get thee to Rachel Zoe ASAP!

Oh, and Melissa was odd, vengeful and completely rough around the edges in her acceptance speech.  The Zadge loves her a good F-bomb now and then, but at the Oscars?!

Cate Blanchett wasn’t nominated this year, but she could have won Best Costume Design for her lavender dress that looked like a coat of arms worn by a crazed army of gay fashion designers:

Now you are all going to think I’m just a jealous Beey-Otch because she’s married to MY BOO Keith Urban, but Nic’s dress was just blech, blech, blech.  This woman is ghostly white, white, white and this cream, over-adorned thing just made her already white ass look like she was defrosting from hours in a meat locker before they let her loose on the red carpet:

Next up, the winner of Best Supporting Actor.

Christian, put down that bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, and get you and your crazy eyes to a shower and shave ASAP:

Homeless Man Christian thanked his wife, but not his mother, probably because she’s still laid up recuperating from that time he got arrested for beating the shit out of her.  Nice guy.

Michelle Williams, boring, boring, boring.  Why are you wearing white nurse’s clogs?

Now, what do we think about the GOOPster?  A fabulous golden nod to the early 70s or just a too skinny-girl-with-no-curves and skinny hair and bad neckline and a fake tan?

Oh, hold on, The Goopster is singing some awful country song. And holding her hand on her va-jay-jay through it.  Leave the singing biz to your hubby, Goop.  Painful and boring.

Wait, here’s Matthew McConnaughey, who the Zadge usually thinks is smoking hot and not boring at all, but WHY IS HE ORANGE?!

The announcer says Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law are up next!  Two bad boys!  Maybe the Zadge will wake up.  Yes, a little clever banter about RDJr.’s addiction days briefly saves the BoreFest.

Now here’s Billy Crystal!!  Oh god, please stay on the stage and save this SnoozeFest!  No, he leaves too soon.   And, Billy, why is your face all plastic-surgery too?  Is there anyone in Hollywood who hasn’t had their skin stretched back behind their ears?

Oh. My. God.  Could it get any worse?  CELINE DEON?  Celine Deon AND DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here comes Best Actress.  Blah, blah, blah.  Natalie wins, big surprise.   She looks darling, but my god, woman, you are a Harvard grad and an actress – can you not say “um” every other word in the most important speech of your life?!!!

America’s favorite gal, Sandy Bullock, walks out to announce Best Actor, and finally, everyone wakes up.  Thinking about what she went through last year with that tatted-up skank and what he did to her.  Huge applause.  And guess what?  Colin won!! Big surprise!!  He’s cute and British and humble, but also sorry to say, a tad bit boring, bloke!

Then the King of Hollywood, Stephen Spielberg, walks out to announce — surprise – The King’s Speech as Best Picture.  The Zadge briefly wakes herself up with her snorty snores.

But the Zadge loves, loves, the winner of the night, for the So Not Boring Award, as well as the 2011 Oscar for Best Undressed – Marky Mark!!!! Yowza! Who cares if he is really only 5’6″?