The Zadge hit the gym tonight in an effort to sweat out the
gelatinous muffin top drama and stress of the past week at the Top Secret Day Job. She thought she would have a good hard workout that would leave her relaxed and primed for the weekend.
Too bad the annoying dipshit next to her on the elliptical machine didn’t have the same plan.
See, The Zadge was happily sweating away on the elliptical with her headphones plugged into the TV, trying to Keep Up With
the bad plastic surgery had by The Kardashians, when some little twit got on the elliptical next to The Zadge…yapping away on her cellphone.
Now, the Zadge’s gym is a fairly swanky place that doesn’t come cheap. And there is a “no cellphone” policy in the gym. For obvious reasons – so you are not paying good money to work out next to some dipshit yapping away to her dipshit friend about their dipshit weekend plans.
The Zadge first tried to turn up the volume on her TV to drown out the dipshitisms. No luck. Dipshits apparently think everyone is interested in hearing their inane conversation.
Then the Zadge tried The Stinkeye. Many of you know that The Zadge is quite accomplished at delivering The Stinkeye and rarely fails to bring the target of The Stinkeye to their knees. But the Dipshit, apparently sensing the sheer power of the Zadge Stinkeye, would only give an occasional sideway glance to the Zadge as she continued to yap away.
The Zadge sweated and fumed for another 15 minutes while the twit prattled on. Then one of the gym’s personal trainers walked up to the weight machine in front of the row of ellipticals and The Zadge thought, “Oh, you are so busted now, Dipshit Twit.” But Dipshit Twit cleverly turned her body so the trainer couldn’t see her phone and stopped talking. The trainer didn’t even look up.
Now The Zadge was pissed. She tried to channel the yogic breathing her teacher always talks about and silently hummed “Om.” Yeah, that lasted 15 seconds. She tried a second and then a third attempt at The Stinkeye, to no avail. She whispered under her breath, “Twit, if you are able to yap on your phone for 30 minutes, you aren’t working out hard enough.”
After 30 minutes of listening to the TwitYap, The Zadge had had enough. She stepped off the elliptical, walked up to the front desk, and asked for the manager. She told the manager that some twit had been twittering away on her cellphone for 30 straight minutes. The manager was apologetic and said she would “take care of it.”
The Zadge calmly walked back to her elliptical machine and resumed her workout next to the Dipshit Twit. A few moments later, the manager appeared and told the Dipshit Twit that there were no cellphones allowed in the gym. Dipshit, rather than actually hang up the damn phone, decided that she just had to keep talking to her fellow dipshit and got off the elliptical.
As Dipshit Twit started to walk away, she stopped and turned to The Zadge and said, “You could have said something to me!” The Zadge responded, “I shouldn’t have to tell you Dipshit Twit. What, were you raised by wolves?”
Ok, so she really didn’t say the Dipshit Twit part or the raised by wolves part. But she did say the rest and finally find the peace in her workout that she was looking for!