Blue Skies and Yellow Dogs

First, let’s talk about the good news. Blue Lena has a new sister!Isn’t she curvy and pretty?!

She’s a really, really good guitar and the Zadge is not a really, really good guitar player, so she wasn’t sure she could justify the four-figure price (ouch!) for her. BUT, the Zadge has been diligently practicing every single day for nine months now, and has gotten better. Goodbye “A Horse With No Name,” hello Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues” and Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here.” AND, the Zadge’s birthday is this Saturday, so she decided to treat herself to it! She’s made by Taylor, a famous guitar manufacturer, so the Zadge has decided to call her Tami. As in Tami Taylor, the Coach’s wife in the best show that was on television, “Friday Night Lights.”

In other good news, the snow IN EFFING MAY has finally stopped here in Denver and the Zadge was able to hit her garden hard this weekend for the first time in almost a year.

And the Zadge finished this book which she recommends (not as good as Olive Kitteridge, but worth a read anyway), and this one which she does not (BO-RING!).

Now for the sad news.

The Zadge is packing this little ole blog in. Putting her to bed. Putting her out to pasture. Pulling the curtain.

This is the Zadge’s last post on Blue Skies and Yellow Dogs.

She has been mulling this over for months. It turned out her little blog started to get read by too many people she actually knew in real life. So the Zadge started to feel like she couldn’t be open. Then she started having writing blocks because she felt edited, and judged, and censored. There were whole parts of her life happening that she didn’t feel safe to share.

Which made her very sad because the blog was such a nice creative outlet for this Type-A over achiever lawyer – Yes, she’s a lawyer! A federal prosecutor, in fact, prosecuting murderers and white supremacists and Mexican cartel members and kidnappers. She can tell you that now because she’s closing up this little interwebby shop.

But more than her sadness over losing that outlet, she was very sad thinking about losing the little community she found here on the Internet. She loved hearing from each and every one of you who commented, or sent her an email, or a friend request on the Face. And she got to meet many of you in real life and became friends, real friends. Like Cupcake Murphy, and Meg from the Members Lounge, and Penne from Little Girl Big Glasses, and Jessica from Bern This. And she can’t tell you how much your support meant to her, really, really meant to her, when Harry ate the homeopathic sinus medicine and went into kidney-failure and almost died, and when her father died last year, and, of course, when her angel The Shone died two years ago.

But it’s been four years that the Zadge has been writing this little blog and she thinks it’s time to go. She does have that novel she wrote two years ago staring at her saying, “Edit me! Edit me!” And she’s got to learn how to play “Wild Horses” on Tami Taylor. And maybe she needs to get off the computer and get outside to meet Mr. Zadge.

Who knows? Maybe she’ll start up a new blog, one she can keep more anonymous. All she can say for sure is that she has loved being part of your life for the past four years.

Peace out, my friends.

1. This was last Wednesday in Denver:
2. This was three days later:
   … when the Zadge and Babe the Builder were Ladies Who Lunch in 80 degree sunshine:
3. And three days after that is May 1 – May Day! Which means EIGHT MUTHA FUDGIN’ INCHES OF SNOW IS CALLED FOR BY THE AFTERNOON.  Excuse the Zadge while she goes to jump off of a cliff.
4. Speaking of hell, the Zadge has now named her latest dating foray “eHell.”  Or maybe “WhatTheHell?” would work too.  Because every guy they are sending her and saying  ”Here’s A Great Match For You!” is HORRIFIC!  As in, unattractive, uneducated, underemployed, unfunny, untall and way geographically undesirable.  Babe the Builder thought the Zadge was exZADGErating until she came over and saw the photos herself.  ”Oh my,” was all she could say.
5. And you know what bugs the Zadge almost as much as online dating?  The cashiers at Whole Paycheck who, after telling you it will be $129 for one bag of groceries, smile at you and say, “Would you like to donate $5 to save a child starving to death in Somalia/give a meal to a homeless family/help the victims of the Boston Bombing?”  And then they look put out when the Zadge screams back at them, “No, you MUTHA FUDGIN’ EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS! NO!  DO NOT TRY TO GUILT ME INTO GIVING YOU MORE MONEY BY TRYING TO SHAME ME IN FRONT OF THE REST OF THE LINE!”
6. Have you noticed that the Zadge’s latest self-improvement resolution is to stop dropping the F-bomb 50 times a day?  She’s trying to substitute it with “Fudge” and “effing.”  Shut the front door!
7. The Zadge was cleaning out her purse the other day and this was in that little side pocket inside:Does everyone carry EIGHT lip glosses that are all almost exactly identical?
8. Speaking of cleaning, can the Zadge recommend the best cleaning tool EVER?The Magic Eraser – it will get out ANY stain, dirt, smudge, ANYTHING in your house. Trust the Zadge and her House of Stains.  And no, Mr. Clean didn’t pay her to say that.  Mr. Clean, in fact, has never met the Zadge.  Just like Mr. Right.
9. Speaking of stains in the house, in case you think the Zadge lives some sort of glamorous life — but, uh, why would you? — let her just tell you this little ditty:  she hit the Tar-jay over the weekend to stock up on the household essentials, including a big plastic box of Oxyclean, which she uses to get the stains out of the linens left by all the critters after they sleep/vomit/shed on the beds.  She left the box of Oxyclean at the top of the stairs, as she unloaded the rest of the Tar-jay bags.  The next day, she picked up the box and started to walk to the upstairs laundry room.  That’s when she noticed it was wet.  Odd, she thought.  She looked over to the spot where she had placed it and noticed it was surrounded by liquid.  A yellow liquid.  Pee.  Someone had peed on the Oxyclean. It wasn’t the Zadge.  It wasn’t  the usual suspect, who can’t climb the stairs.  So it was Bugs or Tulip.  Who peed on the Zadge’s cleaning product designed to remove the stains that Bugs and/or Tulip left on the beds.
10. FUDGE.

The Zadge is sitting here watching the NFL Draft live, wondering if Barry Sanders is really as short as he looks.

As she is sure all you female readers are doing too! Riigght.

She thought about doing a blog recap of the Draft, just as she would for the Oscars and the Globes but realized that no one but Hulk would understand a word she said.  And there are no dresses to criticize.  All the guys look HOT.

Oh, but there is one player she’s got to mention just because of his awesome name: Barkevious Mingo.  BARKEVIOUS!  THAT is what the Zadge should have named Harry!! A mischevious barker!

So instead of putting all her female readership to sleep, she’ll seek their advice on a dating dilemma.

See, after the Kaiser’s visit, the Zadge, who had dumped Match.com after her last dating disaster, decided to sign up for eHarmony.  The Kaiser had recently had success on eHarmony, meeting a woman he likes a lot, whereas his Match.com experience had been as bad as the Zadge’s.  Other friends encouraged the Zadge to give eHarmony a chance, since it seemed to work better than Match.

So late Sunday night, the Zadge signed up.  And by Monday morning, her inbox was flooded with potential “matches.”  But the Zadge was a little overwhelmed and confused by the eHarmony process, which requires all sorts of steps and stages before you can actually communicate one-on-one.

Anyhoo, the Zadge was sitting at her desk at the Top Secret Day Job that morning when a male friend of hers at work, who happens to be a dating divorced dad, comes in her office with a big smile on his face.  ”What?”  the Zadge says.  ”Did you see we were matched this morning?”  ”WHAT?!” the Zadge shrieks, “You weren’t in my matches! Oh god, I can’t figure this shit out. Please explain how this works.”

So Dating Dad had the Zadge log onto her eHarmony account and proceeded to walk her through the process.  When the photos of her potential matches popped up, Dating Dad said, “Hey, that’s Denny!  I know that guy – good guy.”  Denny was a guy the Zadge had instantly decided had no potential, due to his majorly suburban, church going, divorced dad lifestyle, in contrast to the Zadge’s urban, heathen, single girl lifestyle.  Then he pointed to another photo and said, “OMG, I know that guy too!  Phil!  Dated my best friend for a year.  Fun, charming guy, but not your guy.”  Phil was the only guy in her matches that the Zadge had emailed back.

So the Zadge and Dating Dad chatted for several minutes about the pluses and minuses of Denny and Phil.  And her friend recommended she go out with Denny and not go out with Phil.  Which is the complete opposite of what she intended to do.  Now mind you, Phil is actively pursuing the Zadge on the site and Denny, who checked out the Zadge’s profile, is not.

So peeps, what say you? Contact Denny?  Ignore Phil? Contact Denny and go out with Phil?  Cancel eHarmony subscription immediately and just spend the next three months taking Barkevious Mingo everywhere to use him as a prop to meet dates?