M’ ladies and lords, the Zadge is going through withdrawal. The season finale of her beloved “Downton Abbey” was last night. She hasn’t been so in love with a TV series since “Friday Night Lights” and “The Wire.” She’s going to invite Lady Violet to her next dinner party at Old Vicky Abbey, which of course will be served by Harry the Footman and Tulip the Maid.
And how mad was she at the evil Thomas when he hid Lord Grantham’s yellow lab in the woods?
Who is Michael Fassbender, why is he all over the celebrity tabloids, why does his last name sound like a guitar and why are people talking about his pee-pee?
Meet the Zadge’s newest favorite thing:Her new crock pot! She’s already made a tender pulled BBQ chicken and a vegetable curry this weekend. She is slightly wary of using it during the work week. When her Infamous Counter Surfer is home. Alone. With his nose all a-twitchy with the good smells emanating from the crock.
And if anyone has a great crock recipe, do be so kind to send it the Zadge’s way. And yes, the Zadge will shortly resume with the “R” meal of the “ABC’s of Cooking.” Once she kicks Mrs. Padmore and Daisy out of her kitchen.
Okay, she promises to stop British Talking. Bollocks!
Oh, and her second favorite new thing – Bobbi Brown Metallic Cream Eyeshadow:They are sheer and creamy and soft with just a hint of sparkle and totally age appropriate for, say, a 47-year old aristocrat known as Lady Zadge. (The Zadge bitch slaps herself with her lace gloved-hand.) She has them in Black Pearl, Antique Gold and Goldstone.
Zadge texted today with one of her friends who was feeling under the weather (NOT the Spanish Flu!):
Speaking of Urine Videos and Bobbi Brown, the Zadge wasn’t really too enthralled with the whole Whitney Funeral Hoopla, but she did go on UrineTube this morning to watch Whitney’s famed “Star Spangled Banner” rendition. And she has to admit, she teared up a bit.
And the Zadge will leave you with this image of a snoozing Harry and “Flea,” his pacifier:
Over the past few months, the Zadge has turned into a bit of a shut in. The once social and outgoing Party Spinster found herself hunkered down on the couch most nights in Old Vicky watching TV, a feline and a canine curled up with her. Oh, and a vodka tonic.
So the Zadge decided recently that she had to put some fun back into her nightlife and drag her aging ass off the couch or she was going to turn into Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham. She started scheduling social events on her calendar.
Like the charity art auction she went to last Saturday night:
The Zadge had a ball, with her sidekick the Sundance Kid. She bid on two paintings but got outbid by some rabid woman in the last minute. The Kid found love with some random Brazilian tourist:
They kissed in the smoking lounge, proclaimed their love, then the Kid got sick of him and broke up with him 57 minutes later. The Zadge did not make out with any smoky foreigners but did run into a friend from college she hadn’t seen in 20 years and had a blast with him (the non-Brazilian above) and his wife. The highlight of her evening was when a lesbian told the Zadge she was pretty.
The Zadge even traded her sweats for a real outfit:
Can’t you just see Harry dying to sink his teeth into those boots?
A few days later, she dined with her neighbors, Rancher Rick and the Pet Whisperer:
The Kid was along too, and we ate, and drank, and laughed until our sides hurt. You don’t want to know the jokes we made about the Cake Pops we had for dessert:
Then last night, the Social Spinster met Ingrid from the Produce Section for cocktails! Ingrid brought her friend MC Hammer, who the Zadge decided looked like Ellen Pompeo, even though you can’t really tell from this photo because the iPhone camera sucks eggs:
The Zadge had a blast with her new friends and plans on featuring their antics together here on the blog in the future.
Tonight the Zadge is heading out to Happy Hour with Babe the Builder, who is a very good married wing man for our girl in the bars.
Tomorrow night, the Zadge will be dining with Chilean.
Sunday, she is hitting a little party at her friend the Karaoke Slut’s house.
Monday is the movies with Lizzie.
And then on Tuesday, she’s going to check herself into that place where Demi Moore is, for exhaustion.
Oh hell. It’s your intrepid Spinster’s least favorite day of the year.
There she sat, all day at her desk, waiting for the big bouquet of flowers to be delivered from her hot boyfriend.
Then she remembered she doesn’t have a hot boyfriend, or even a not-so-hot one. She hasn’t even had a date since she quit that damn Match.com.
She did get two cards today. Both from elementary school girls. Baby Girl Hazz, age 4, gave the Zadge a valentine card with a lollipop attached that was addressed both to and from Baby Girl Hazz. Lizzie also gave the Zadge a card that featured a lollipop and the Zadge’s name severely misspelled.
But speaking of Lizzie, she invited the Zadge to attend the Valentine’s Party at her second grade class. The Zadge was sure it would be the highlight of the Zadge’s day. And it started out that way.
The Zadge gave Lizzie a “Twilight” V-Day card, knowing how much Lizzie loves the movie:
It made Lizzie the most popular kid in her class, as all her classmates gathered around oohing and aahing over the card and talking about how much they love Twilight.
Don’t get the Zadge started on letting 7 and 8 year olds watch the Twilight series of movies. As we sat at her desk, Lizzie pointed to the card and said, “This is my favorite movie. It’s rated PG-13 and Edward and Bella do something nasty but they don’t show it.”
So the Zadge sat there happily enjoying the kids, watching them exchange cards and eat cupcakes. The Zadge apparently was a cool novelty in the classroom, as several kids came over and wanted to talk to her and find out what fun things Lizzie and the Zadge did together.
And the Zadge thought to herself, now this makes Valentine’s Day not so bad.
Just at that moment, a little big girl (4′ 7″, 145 pounds) who had been listening to the other kids talking to the Zadge and Lizzie said, “I’ve seen Breaking Dawn.” The Zadge said, “Oh, you have? Did you like it?”
Little Big Girl looked at the Zadge and replied, “Yes. Hey, are you a grandmother?”
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, from your favorite Grandmother.
The Boss rocks the stage. Did he always have earrings in each ear? Hey, Madonna, take notes. That is how an aging star performs. Leave the silly boots and cheerleader outfit at home.
LL Cool J must be moved higher on the List of the Zadge’s Fake Boyfriends. At least in the top five. But not above Daniel Craig and Keith Richards when he was 30 years old.
OMG, LL Cool J is saying a prayer for Whitney. Weeping. Note to self: skip the bath next time you hit the Xanax and the Vodka Tonics.
Bruno Mars conjuring up a modern Sammy Davis Jr. The Zadge likes the little fellow, even if she always thinks of a candy bar when she hears his name.
Photo Credit: TMZ
Why is Alicia Keys’ face orange? To match Bonnie Raitt’s hair?
ADELE!!! Love her and her Cockney self. The Zadge is sure Adele would approve of the Zadge’s new way of cursing in a British accent.
Speaking of Lady Zadge, her Ladyship does not in any way get “Lady” Ga Ga. Why is she wearing chicken wire on her face?
Chris Brown lip synching some awful computer generated song. But dang, the boy has some moves.
Fergie is wearing a heinous red doily.
Who is Nikki Minaj and why is she dressed like Little Red Riding Hood?
Photo Credit: TMZ
Oh, gawd. Reba. Where is her upper lip?
Is it just me, or is Taylor Swift starting to look eerily like Nicole Kidman?
Photo Credit: TMZ
Speaking of Taylor, here’s a commercial for Taylor “Riggins” Kitch’s new movie. It looks terrible. But he doesn’t wear a shirt in the movie, so the Zadge will probably see it.
Foo Fighters. Blah, blah, blah…too loud and screechy.
Oh god, the Beach Boys. Mike Love looks like the Captain on Gilligan’s Island. Brian Wilson doesn’t blink through the entire performance.
Maybe’s it’s just me, but has Paul McCartney lost his voice?
More Adele!! Although she is chomping gum on stage. Perhaps a little too Cockney for Lady Zadge.
Some weird Katy Perry number where you can’t really see her, which is alright with the Zadge because she thinks that blue hair is beyond stupid. And she should have made her soon-to-be-ex-husband shower more often.
Oh Geez-us, it’s Gywneth. Her face is orange too. Orange Goop. At least she is introducing Adele.
Adele: WOW. Damn that girl has a woman’s voice. The Zadge is going to run out and buy herself some fake eyelashes tomorrow.
Glen Campbell tribute. “Lineman for the County” is one of the Zadge’s favorites. No one sings it. The girl from The Band Perry looks like she is wearing a Hula skirt.
The dead people roll: the Zadge is confused because they are playing Bob Dylan and Smokey Robinson while showing pictures of other dead people. She thinks Dylan and Smokey are still alive. Oh wow, was Whitney pretty when she was young and drug-free.
Weeping again. Jennifer Hudson singing Whitney.
Some dance-hip-hop thing outside of the theater. Lots of people waving empty paper towel rolls. Then more screeching from the Foo Fighters. Very weird combo of rappers and screechers. Return emails while ignoring Grammy’s.
WTF is this ridiculous Nikki Manaj religious video thing? Her and GaGa have to give up the trying to be Madonna. Even Madonna can’t do it anymore.
Diana Ross. Her hair looks just like the Zadge’s Baby Goose.
More Adele!! Oh, she just said “Oh, ‘ve got a bit o snot!” The Zadge loves her! She’s her new BFF!
Okay, Paul McCartney redeems himself: the Golden Slumbers finale rocks. The Zadge finds herself dancing in front of the TV while Paul, the Boss, Joe Walsh, Dave Grohl and two other mystery guys try to out jam each other. It would have been the perfect end to the Grammy’s if the Zadge’s Main Fake Boyfriend Keef was there with them.
“Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”
Okay, so maybe that was actually Sir Winston Churchill.
The Zadge, even before she became a British Aristocrat last Friday during Denver’s snowstorm and Downton Abbey extravaganza, liked this quote quite a lot — oh, Carson, do bring a spot of tea — and all that it represented, except that she is alarmingly impatient and doesn’t like the extra “u” in the British spelling of “honor”, so she usually just ends up shouting, in a nebulous Mid-Atlantic U.S. non-accent, Never, Never, Never Give Up.
She fancies it a very fine mantra for her life.
And so apparently does this little black and white scamp:
That is what Sir Winston and Lady Zadge were talking about!
And yes, she promises to lose her newly acquired aristocratic airs and get back to dropping the F bomb next week.
This is the text that the Zadge received from Lorenza today at 4:01 p.m.:
I went down to the basement and vaccumed and moped. So we need to replace the mop? Hope smells better? Thankyou
WHAT?? What in the world could cause Lorenza such distress that she would need to go to the basement and mope?!
Then the Zadge got home from work and saw the cause:
….which she apparently wrote after seeing this:
It appears that the Good Lorenza saw Harry’s naked dog bed and assumed that the Zadge had tossed the cover because Harry puked all over it. As opposed to assuming that it was presently in the washing machine because the Good Lorenza accused Lady Zadge last week of being a filthy sloth.
Both assumptions, coincidentally, make the Zadge mope.
As does the Good Lorenza’s putting atilt all of the Zadge’s things on the console table.
And her addiction has caused her to lose touch with friends, lose sleep and skip meals. Just this past weekend, she almost cancelled her plans to feed her addiction.
THIS is the Zadge’s addiction:
Yes, some hoity-toity period piece on PBS. The Zadge has never in her life watched Masterpiece Theatre. She’s not even a big fan of all those Jane Austen-y heaving bosom movies inevitably starring Colin Firth.
She’s been seeing obsessive fans talking about “DA” all over the blogosphere. She got sick of not knowing what everyone was talking about. So, with two feet of snow giving her the luxury of being a shut-in this weekend, the Zadge started watching Episode 1 of Season One on Friday night. (You must watch it from the beginning – stream it from Netflix – they are doing one month free). And she watched straight through until 1:30 a.m. until her eyelids shut down.
And then she woke up Saturday morning, and rather than walk the dog, she watched a couple more hours worth of Season One. She even got home from a Super Bowl party Sunday night and instead of watching the after show about the football, the Zadge began Season Two.
This is serious, friends. The Zadge traded buff athletes in tight pants for High Brow British Aristocracy.
She is in love with the fashion:
photo credit popyacollar.co.za
photo credit popyacollar.co.za
And the cinematography is gorgeous. And the characters are rich and complex and fascinating.
And the Zadge adores the accents and formality. She thinks she’s going to start saying “Ma Lord” and “Ma Lady” and “rubbish” and “crikey” and “Darling, do ring for my maid.”
Plus, the Zadge totally imagines herself sipping tea in the parlor in the manor, having just come in from a morning of riding her stallion over the lush green English countryside. And then using a letter opener to open a beautifully penned note from London about her upcoming debutante season. And then dressing for a formal dinner, where she could sip wine out of cut crystal while servants silently serve the multiple courses. After which she could go lose her virginity to a hot Turkish aristocrat who then expires in her bed.
Stop rolling your eyes about the debutante and virginity part.
Downton Abbey is better than the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the gold standard of the heaving bosom, period pieces.
However, the Zadge has recognized that her addiction is interfering with her life. So she’s decided that she will now watch the program like a normal person, once a week when it airs.
Well, after she watches two more episodes tonight to get caught up.
Ma ladies and lords, trust your Zadge – watch this program so that you too can be an addict. Here’s a short summary of the show as seen on Saturday Night Live this weekend:
Oh, and do ring the butler and let him know that Lady Zadge needs her cocktail refreshed.
It’s Wednesday, which means it’s Lorenza Day at Old Vicky. The Zadge was changing in the gym locker room this afternoon, looking forward to a good workout before heading home to a shiny, clean house, when she received the following text :
“I’m so sorry, Harry managed to jump up and got the new bag of bread from the kitchen counter. It is my fault. I moved it. He is so fast!”
Remember when the Zadge told you that her passive-aggressive cleaning lady insisted on rearranging things in Zadge’s house? Like, apparently, the loaf of bread that the Zadge had purchased that very morning and strategically placed in the one corner of her kitchen that her Incorrigible Counter Surfer couldn’t reach?
The Zadge sighed and then hit the elliptical to sweat out her annoyance with both her dog and her cleaning lady. As she was ellipticalling, the Zadge confesses that she watched the train wreck that is “Kim and Kourtenay take New York” and she just has to say – that Kris Humphries is a real ass. He actually makes that Scott guy look good. The Zadge now understands while Kim K. divorced him after 72 hours. I mean, days.
So the Zadge headed home, anticipating the inevitable Lorenza note:
Yes, friends, the Zadge is apparently a sloth who allows her pets to sleep on a bed so filthy that it isn’t even fit to be indoors. Or maybe, Lorenza, the dog bed is dirty because the dog puked up the bread and plastic bag he ate under your watch?
Of course, the Zadge’s favorite part of Lorenz’a's latest note is the dramatic eye lashes on the sad sun – the Kim Kardashian of Disapproving Suns.
The Zadge will spare you a recap of the SAG awards last night, other than to say that her favorite line was from The Help‘s Octavia Spencer: ”Women would be happier if they ate.” Especially Julie Bowen from Modern Family.
Before she watched the SAGs yesterday, she hung out with her girl Lizzie. Lizzie turned 8 this week and the Zadge bought her a new outfit:
Spinning
Curtsy
The Zadge also gave her some yellow tights and a yellow flower ponytail holder to go with the dress and shoes, but Lizzie wasn’t sporting those yesterday. The Zadge wished they made the lavender patent leather bejeweled flats for adults.
Speaking of feet, the Zadge got a mani/pedi this weekend and decided to rock Opi’s “Simmer and Shimmer” blue glitter polish on her toes. ‘Cause it’s January and no one sees the Zadge’s toes except for the girls in the gym locker room so she just wanted to cut loose:
And speaking of beauty upkeep, the Zadge must, must sing the praises of the absolute best foundation on the planet: It is Giorgio Armani’s “Luminous Silk” foundation. It is the best thing the Zadge has ever put on her face – makes her skin look flawless without looking like she has any makeup on. And most importantly, you don’t feel like you have anything on your face. It’s expensive but worth it. There’s a reason it has been voted Best Foundation by everyone out there for years.
And speaking of makeup, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion show is on and the Zadge is fascinated with the white eyeliner and purple eyeshadow they are all wearing. To match the purple couch they are sitting on.
And where is Brandi Glanville on this Reunion Show? The Zadge never thought anyone could make Leann Rimes look classy, but Brandi somehow manages. And the Zadge wants to be friends with Lisa.
And speaking of TV, the Zadge watched Blue Valentine this weekend, with The Gosling and Michelle Williams. Yes, she’s on a Gosling kick. Even if he looked like a shady cheeseball for half of the film. It’s a depressing but interesting movie about the demise of a marriage. The Zadge did not particularly like Michelle Williams character and blames her for the breakup. No, the Zadge is not biased.
And speaking of fantasy, the Zadge periodically buys a Powerball ticket. She bought one for Saturday’s drawing and seriously, seriously convinced herself she was going to win. Guess what? She didn’t.
The Zadge got a really sweet email today from Erin, a new reader. Erin said she found the blog through Pinterest – something about a pin about the Zadge’s kitchen renovation. In fact, the Zadge had just created her own Pinterest account but can’t figure out what the hell to do. How does this thing work? How should the Zadge use this latest internet time suck? Help, please!
Her new crock pot! She’s already made a tender pulled BBQ chicken and a vegetable curry this weekend. She is slightly wary of using it during the work week. When her Infamous Counter Surfer is home. Alone. With his nose all a-twitchy with the good smells emanating from the crock.
They are sheer and creamy and soft with just a hint of sparkle and totally age appropriate for, say, a 47-year old aristocrat known as Lady Zadge. (The Zadge bitch slaps herself with her lace gloved-hand.) She has them in Black Pearl, Antique Gold and Goldstone.
Blue Skies and Yellow Dogs